The World According to Jake

Recent Videos

2008-05-02T12:52:00.000-07:00

Here are some videos that I have either done recently or been in. The first is a clip from Tuscaloosa's WVUA 4pm newscast where fan of the show Robert Stevensen interviewed us about the show ending and us hosting the AL Awards.

Jake & Steve on First at 4

This next video is from when Steve and I hosted the AL Awards on campus just yesterday. We were asked to host the 3rd Annual ALs Awards, which honor those involved in theatre, dance, and film on campus. This is the intro we did for the show.

On a side note, the real honor of the evening was Steve and I getting the Student's Choice Award. The students in attendance were asked to vote for their favorite theatre performance, dance, actor, actress, film, etc. The cool thing about it... Steve and I were NOT on the ballot. We were write-in votes.

Anyway, Steve and I earlier today finished our very last show in the history of the Jake and Steve Show, which happened to be show #400. I'll probably post about it more later, but I'm going to miss it. I really didn't think I was until I saw how many people really cared about the show. The fans meant a lot to me.

Anyway, hope you enjoy/enjoyed the videos!

Uh... Are You Kidding Me?

2008-04-01T20:40:00.000-07:00

Remember when I posted my argument that a baseball was harder to hit than a softball? You don't? Well, apparently it's become an issue again with a brave soul not afraid to let their opinion be known. They go by the name "Anonymous". I'm going to guess that A (can I call you A?) is still in high school and only disagrees with me because A is a female. Here's the comment she posted in response to my post as well as Jason Bybee's comments:

"Guys, I'm sorry. I agree that Fox didn't cover all aspects but I also have trouble following your arguements.

Jason, they were comparing hitting in softball and baseball. They weren't comparing if a softball was easier to hit than a baseball.
In addition, were the bat's "sweet spot" is, is not based on were the bat stops changing in diameter. Roughly, the "sweet spot" on a baseball bat and on a softball bat are the same proportional distance from the knob to the tip of the bat.

And Jake, wake up. MLB no longer uses solid wood bats. A softball bat is generally made of the same alloys has baseball bats.
The plate of glass that Jenny broke was measuring force. The larger ball will have greater force when thrown at the same speed as a smaller ball but Fox was comparing the amount of force from the normal pitching distance and speed of each sport. Therefore, Jenny did not have an unfair advantage when measuring the force of a softball pitch. As a side note, a 70 mph fastball in softball is not that uncommon in competitive softball. I will admit however that a 95 mph fastball in baseball is more common than a 70 mph fastball in softball but not by much.

Yes, I'm a girl. But I grew up playing softball and baseball and have had the same amount of training in both. I can hit any pitch in baseball a lot easier than I can hit a softball pitch, especially a change up or riser. I am not comparing distance of the ball after the hit. I am comparing the number of times I come in contact with the ball.

Bottom line, the answer can not be determined by Fox's study and both of you need to rethink your arguements."

And so begins my rebuttal.

WARNING: IF YOU CANNOT STOMACH A THRASHING OF ONE'S OPINION THROUGH APPLICATION OF LOGIC, PROOF, AND EVIDENCE, DO NOT CONTINUE PAST THIS POINT!

To begin... You said:

And Jake, wake up. MLB no longer uses solid wood bats. A softball bat is generally made of the same alloys has baseball bats.

Major League Baseball uses SOLID WOOD BATS. I say again: SOLID WOOD.

MLB Rule 1.10a states:

The bat shall be a smooth, round stick not more than 2 3/4 inches in diameter at the thickest part and not more than 42 inches in length.

NOTE: No laminated or experimental bats shall be used in a professional game (either championship season or exhibition games) until the manufacturer has secured approval from the Rules Committee of his design and methods of manufacture.

Also, according to dictionary.com:

Alloy - al-loy - noun: A substance composed of two or more metals, or of a metal or metals with a nonmetal, intimately mixed, as by fusion or electrodeposition

So, I guess when you read those two together, you could really get confused and believe that MLB uses composite alloy bats. My mistake. I am woken now, Anonymous. Thank you for again reminding me of what I already knew. If you are going to make a sensible argument (which I very much did in my previous post regardless of your "rethink your arguments" statement) you need to know that what you're saying isn't made-up fairy tale rules that change the very game of professional baseball as we know it.

Point #2. You said:

The larger ball will have greater force when thrown at the same speed as a smaller ball but Fox was comparing the amount of force from the normal pitching distance and speed of each sport.

I can understand that. I can understand it because here's one of my points from my previous post:

Of course Finch's pitch broke the glass. It's a larger object at closer range travelling at a high speed. That's a recipe for destruction.

How does what you said give me any information different or new than what I already know?

And by the way:

Jason, they were comparing hitting in softball and baseball. They weren't comparing if a softball was easier to hit than a baseball.

How on earth are these two statements different from one another? How can you do the first without the second? The whole argument becomes irrelevant without it. Maybe you should go back and watch the video again. The voice over guy clearly said that Finch's purpose of coming on the show was to prove that a softball was harder to hit than a baseball.

I'm not saying it isn't hard to hit a softball. Nowhere in my previous post do I say that in and of itself it is an easy task to perform. What I am saying, is that if you are going to come on my blog and try to make me look stupid by disproving my points, you'd better come hard and with something that makes sense.

My New Favorite Website

2008-03-12T10:58:00.000-07:00

Songerize.com is easily the coolest website I have been to in a long, long time. If you love music like I do, this website could become your new best friend like it has me. You can type in any song name and artist and it will play it for you free of charge. That's it. There a song you want to listen to a full song on your computer for free? Simple... songerize it.

A few of my current favorites:

Stuck Between Stations by The Hold Steady
McFearless by Kings of Leon
The Way We Get By by Spoon
Wild Mountain Nation by Blitzen Trapper

The End of an Era

2008-03-04T07:57:00.000-08:00

I don't know how to feel right now. I knew it would happen eventually, but that doesn't change how I feel. If you haven't heard the news, Brett Favre, long-time Green Bay Packers quarterback and NFL player for 17 season, has decided to retire. I didn't ever think it would be as big of a deal to me as it is. I'm actually a little depressed. I talked to my sister and she said she felt the same when Michael Jordan retired (the first time, of course). So, maybe it's not so bad that I'm upset about it.

Some of you reading this may be asking, why are you making such a big deal out of this? He's just a football player. Well, let me tell you what Brett Favre is to me. Brett Favre is the embodiment of the NFL. Everything good about the game of football, he is. He is toughness, he is perseverance, he is heart, he is work ethic, he is a leader. He is the "everyman". Everyone can see a bit of themselves in him. He is a LEGEND. No one can tell me otherwise.

Since I was a Packers fan, all I have known is Brett Favre. He has been a big part of my life. Football has been a big part of my relationship with my father, and we have been big Favre fans for a long time. One of the greatest moments of my life was watching Brett Favre in person play against the Carolina Panthers with my father. The first play from scrimmage by the Packers, Favre throws a deep pass to Antonio Freeman for a touchdown.

I'm not much of a reader, but I got Favre's autobiography for Christmas a few years back and have since read it two or three times. It is certainly a great read. His story is great. He came from a small town and overcame great adversity to become one of the greatest quarterbacks to ever play the game.

To me, this is what makes him forever a legend in my mind:

Most AP NFL MVP Awards
Most consecutive starts by a quarterback
Most wins by a starting quarterback
Most career passing touchdowns
Most career passing yards
Most career pass completions
Most career pass attempts
Most career games with at least three touchdowns
2007 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year
2003 Men's Health Magazine Toughest Person in America
9-time Pro Bowl selection
7-time All-Pro selection
Member of the NFL 1990s All Decade Team
Super Bowl XXXI Champion

I'm going to miss you, Brett. You're the best the game has to offer...

This is for you:

Flight of the Conchords

2008-02-28T12:53:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, I get an obsession. Not to long ago, it was Rock Band (which I'm still very much into), but that has changed. I'm currently hooked on a two-man folk band from New Zealand called Flight of the Conchords.

They had a show on HBO this past summer by the same name, and it has just signed on for a second season. Let me tell you... if you love stupid yet witty humor and comedy, this right up your alley. If you haven't seen this show, do yourself a favor and go buy their first season now. Trust me, you will thank me later.

It follows two Kiwis, Jemaine Clement (left) and Bret McKenzie (right) as they try to make it in New York City and the American music industry. They intend to literally conquer America one fan at a time. Jemaine is the self-proclaimed "ladies man" and Bret is naive and easy-going. Their one fan, Mel, is crazed and obsessed and their manager, Murray, is less than brilliant.

Sample lyrics from their songs:

Most Beautiful Girl: You're so beautiful / You could be a part time model
I'm Not Cryin': I'm not cryin' / It's just raining / on my face

Here's two of my favorite songs:

Ladies of the World

Business Time

I'm telling you... get season one and you will never regret it...

We Need Another National Epidemic/Craze...

2008-02-20T08:34:00.000-08:00

...That isn't American Idol, am I right? We talked about this on the show today. Remember that four-year span that we all worried about West Nile, Mad Cow Disease, Anthrax, and SARS? MAN, those were the good ole days. We need something new like that. Sure, we have Avian Bird Flu, but that hasn't really hit home. You don't even hear about computer viruses any more. World of Warcraft went and ruined that.

We need something. It's too boring now. I miss the days when opening your mail was like a lottery gone completely wrong where everyday you find yourself asking, "Am I going to catch something when I open this letter about $10 million from Ed McMahon?". Everyday was a new, exciting, edge-of-your-seat mystery that kept you guessing.

I mean, we have terrorism, sure, but isn't that kind of old news now? Really, Osama, get a new schtick. It used to be that there was something new every six months just a short time ago. That's the spontaneity I long for again. We need a Ted Kaczynski that we can rally around as a nation. That's what I miss, not knowing if Grandma's care package was going to melt half my face.

And, what about cults? Where have those been? Remember when plain white Keds really were the last pair of shoes you'd ever wear? Those guys are all laughing us from their spaceship behind Hale-Bopp. And who can blame them? I mean, those guys did for Kool-Aid what Jordan did for Nike.

And can we please get back mass, chain, warning emails? I wish I could go to the movie theater now and worry about sitting in a seat with an AIDS infected syringe in it. Or what about waking up in a mysterious hotel in a bathtub full of ice with my innards missing? Who is going to warn the new generation about these ever-so-evident dangers in the world?

All I'm saying is that we need something to bring back the thrill of everyday living... What do you think?

By the way, if you didn't catch the tone of sarcasm in this post... this last sentence shouldn't inform you of that at all...

Worst Superpower?

2008-02-11T13:11:00.000-08:00

Steve and I on the way back from our morning show this morning got in a conversation that went something like this:

Me: If you could have a superpower, what would it be?
Steve: (thinks) I'd want the ability to notarize anything.
Me: Nota... superpowers aren't supposed to be practical... that's why they're superpowers. You might as well have said you want to have really good handwriting....

So here's my question... what would be the worst superpower you could have? Think about it....

Cheeseburger in a Can? Really?

2008-02-06T10:46:00.000-08:00

So here's my question... greatest human achievement or abomination of nature?

Now, I'm usually all for making delicious snacking foods more available and portable, but this... I just don't know. It seems to me to be an unholy combination of flavor and convenience. Although, I don't know how much flavor it has. From what I've read, it's from a German company that makes freeze-dried foods for campers and hikers.

But I'm wondering... who is purchasing this product and when did there become a huge demand for the canned cheeseburger? "Man, I could go ultra-convenient, questionably edible cheeseburger right now, but all I've got here is this pantry full of canned foods! Oh, canned food industry, why can't you appease my lustful desire?!"

Is there something I'm missing here? Am I looking at this in a negative manner, or should I be embracing this? Can someone help me out here?

Super Bowl XLII Commercials

2008-02-04T17:08:00.000-08:00

I would talk about the amazing upset in last night's Super Bowl, but everybody already saw it, so I'll go to something else. I have always been a big fan of the Super Bowl commercials. I've always anticipated them, which is unfortunate for me because that leaves no time to go to the bathroom.

After last year's disappointing batch of commercials, this year was equally as undisappointing... if that's a word. So what I'm going to do is post my favorite commercials from this year's Super Bowl in order. Enjoy:

8. Doritos - Mouse Trap

7. NFL.com - SuperAd

6. Bud Light - Breathe Fire

5. Bridgestone - Richard Simmons

4. Diet Pepsi Max - What is Love?

3. Tide Pen - Talking Stain

2. Amp Energy - Jump Start

1. Bud Light - Jackie Moon

Extended Version

Amish Waffle Productions

2008-01-24T15:00:00.000-08:00

My friend Jonathan and I thought it would be a good idea to somehow "brand" our projects that we put on YouTube. To do this, we thought that coming up with a pseudo-production company would be a good idea. After writing a list of adjectives and nouns, we came up with Amish Waffle Productions.

As of yesterday, all things related to my film endeavors will be posted on the Amish Waffle blog, the link to which can be found on the right of this very blog. On it, you can find links to all of our videos as well as updated information about what we're doing.

The reason we started this is because Tom Cherones, director of Seinfeld, suggested that we post our test scenes on YouTube because that's where studios are starting to look. So what we are going to try to do is generate a lot of buzz about us and our projects and hope it reaches someone important that would want to make our film. If you get a chance, check it out and tell everyone you know about it. You can help us get our film made.

Thank you so much for all the support you have given me and Jonathan in trying to achieve our dream of making it big in Hollywood.

Movie Review: Cloverfield

2008-01-18T13:44:00.000-08:00

As most of you know, I am a huge fan of movies. I have to know what's going on with them all the time. So you can imagine how frustrated I was when I saw the trailer for this film at the end of the past summer. The very first teaser trailer for the film contained only a few scenes from the first few minutes of the film, which hinted towards some disaster that occurs in New York City. Then came a black screen that read "1-18-08", mentioned it was produced by J.J. Abrams, and that was it.

So, of course the trailer looked awesome to me. When I got home, I immediately went to IMDb.com to look up the title for the film. I learned that it was called Untitled J.J. Abrams Project. I was furious. I had to know more. I started looking at some forums and looking up stuff about it. All sorts of rumors were going around about it, but no one knew any more than me.
The marketing for this film was outstanding. NO ONE knew what it was about. There were websites that the film company put up that supposedly had clues to what the film was about. Over time, people began to correctly assume that it was a monster film. The question though was what kind. Many had theories that it was a Godzilla remake based on some of the clues, but still, no one could confirm it. Finally, the film company released a new trailer under the title Cloverfield.

Finally, the film has been released, as it is 1-18-08. I wanted to see this movie first thing so I wouldn't know what it was about. I wanted to be surprised. Well, I was.

If you've seen 28 Days Later, then you know how that film revolutionized zombie or apocalyptic films. What it did for that genre, Cloverfield has done for monster films. I don't want to give anything away, but I will say that I thought it was awesome. You never really see the monster clearly until later, but the way they did the film was great. It's made to be a homemade video shot with a DV camcorder, and the story is told from the perspective of a small group of friends.

If you like monster, apocalyptic, or suspense films, you won't be disappointed by this. I saw I Am Legend, and I liked this much, much better. I definitely say check it out.

My Rating: 8.5 out of 10

Steroid Debate: MLB vs. NFL

2008-01-15T13:27:00.000-08:00

Of course the big story right now in regards to steroids is Roger Clemens and the Mitchell Report. Well, I'm going to shy away from that and talk about something else. As I ate lunch today in Bryant Hall, one of the TV was on ESPN and playing at the time was The Best of Mike and Mike in the Morning. They were talking about how the whole Mitchell Report has really kid of overshadowed the fact that steroids is a big problem in sports in general, not just baseball.

I began to wonder, why is this true? How come when anybody mentions just the word "steroids" everyone immediately thinks of baseball? Why is it that so much attention has been put on steroid use in baseball and no other sport, with maybe the exception of cycling? It almost seems like to the public that steroids are a non-issue in other sports.

Mike Golic brought up something that I didn't realize until he said it today. Shawne Merriman, the amazing outside linebacker for the San Diego Chargers, was suspended for four games at the beginning of this season after violating the NFL's steroid policy. I don't know why I wasn't aware of this. Maybe it's something I overlooked, or maybe it's because I don't follow the Chargers at all. Also, star defensive back Rodney Harrison of the Patriots received the same penalty for violating the NFL's performance-enhancing drug policy.

My question is this: being a big fan of football in general and following it moreso than any average person, why was I not aware of either of these infractions until today? As I said before, it seems the reason is because simply not as much attention is put on football players that use steroids or HGH as it is on baseball players.

Why?

Golic believes that this is because increased performance from a football player is not as noticeable as it is with a baseball player. As he put it (this is not a direct quote, just what I remember), "Uh-oh! So-and-so hit 50 home runs this year? He could be using steroids!" I guess I can see that point somewhat, but here's another question: why is that only with baseball players? Why is it when Barry Bonds, who is probably a bad example for this, starts hitting a lot of home runs people get suspicious, but when Tom Brady throws 50 TD in a season, or Randy Moss has 23 TD receptions, or LT gets 1,400 yards rushing, or Patrick Willis gets 170 tackles not a single person bats an eye?

You here it all the time when a player starts doing well in baseball, "He's probably using steroids". Why do you not hear this about football?

Here's what I think: the NFL is more strict about it. It isn't a non-issue with football, but I think the reason is because the NFL is tougher about it. Merriman and Harrison missed four games. Four games. That's one-fourth of the games they play in a season. That's equivalent to a baseball player missing 41 games. Until last year, the stiffest punishment a baseball player ever got for violation of a substance abuse policy was 10 games.

They have given 4 50 game suspensions and one 80 game suspension to Neifi Perez, his third positive test. At the start of the 2005 season, the MLB stated that they would allow three positive tests, suspending the players for 50 games, 100 games, and then lifetime banishment. They haven't lived up to what they said they would do.

I'd love for anyone who reads this to chime in on this issue. Just tell me, why do you think the steroid spotlight is only on baseball?

Softball or Baseball... Which is harder to hit?

2008-01-10T18:00:00.001-08:00

I'm a big fan of shows like Mythbusters on Discovery, where they take common "myths" and put them to the test. I was informed of this clip by my roommate. It's from the show Sports Science on FSN, which seems to be the sports version of Mythbusters. In this episode, they try to settle the old debate between men and women's claims: Is it harder to hit a softball or a baseball. Before I make my opinion known, watch the following clip and form your own opinion.

After watching this, I have a few comments of my own to make.

One, the equipment is totally different. For one, a softball is BIGGER than a baseball. Basic physics and common sense would tell you that you have a better chance of making any form of contact with a larger object. A regulation size softball is around 11-12 inches in circumference, depending on the level of play, while a baseball is 9. Also, the bats. MLB uses a standard solid wood bat to hit while softball uses a bat made out of composite alloys. The simple truth is that it's more difficult to just swing a standard 36-ounce major league bat.

Two, the greater the force, the harder to hit? Are you kidding me? That simply isn't true. If that were the case then no one would ever have trouble shellacking a change-up into the upper deck. Of course Finch's pitch broke the glass. It's a larger object at closer range travelling at a high speed. That's a recipe for destruction.

Three, and my biggest point, the competition was neither fair or comparable. On baseball's side, there is a college pitcher and a Diamondbacks prospect. Then, for softball, there's world class softball pitcher Jennie Finch. Are you kidding me? A 95 mph fastball in baseball is pretty common. A 70 mph fastball in softball is rare. She is one of the absolute best in the world. To have to amateurs representing baseball is not fair. How come they don't have a great softball hitter going against Jake Peavy? To compare the two highest levels of softball and baseball (Olympic and MLB) you must have them both represented.

Somebody on the comments for this video on YouTube made the comment that some softball pitcher struck out Reggie Jackson 3 times. Good for them. So did about 500 other pitchers nearly 2,600 times. He is the all time leader in strikeouts. And, of course the baseball guy couldn't hit the ball. He's not used to the release point. It would be the same story for any hitter for a matter of time. Give them a little while, and I'm positive they could hit it.

In conclusion, I do not think their answer is necessarily correct. It would be difficult to prove either to be more difficult, because they both are. The tests they did were not very fair and just seemed to want to allow Finch's claim to be proven correct since she was on the show. In my opinion, a baseball is more difficult to hit. As I said, I don't think they did enough conclusive tests.

Nonetheless, it is an interesting discussion topic. I'd love for you to chime in on this in the comments.

UPDATE (9/21/11): I don't care what any of you think anymore. It has been over 3 years since I wrote this. It has been almost as long since I have used this blog. I'm tired of comments from people who obviously didn't read what I wrote and instead only read what they wanted to see. If you are going to make an "intelligent" comment towards someone's opinion, make sure you know what the hell that opinion is in the first place.

At ANY point, did I EVER say in this post that softball was NOT difficult to play?...

NO.

As a matter of fact, I believe that at one point (possibly in another post) I stated just the opposite.

So, long story short, I'm tired of getting emails about comments on a blog I don't care about anymore from people who don't take the time to read the damn post and assume that I only think it's harder to hit a baseball because I have a penis and have no valid argument otherwise.

Comments disabled.

NFL Playoffs: Round 2

2008-01-09T10:56:00.000-08:00

I'm psyched about this year's NFL playoffs. The main reason being that my Packers got a first round bye this year. I thought I'd share my picks and opinions about the 2nd round coming up this weekend since I am now back at school and I got my computer up and running again. Let's start it up with the Powerhouse AFC:

Jaguars at Colts: Jaguars did what many expected and that was to beat the Steelers. They play a very physical game and that was evident in last week's game. It's two completely different teams playing each other. The Jags are a very hard-nosed team. They run the ball well and are physical on defense. The Colts are the opposite. They are very much finesse on offense and rely on their passing game a lot. If the Colts can stop the combo of Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew, they will win.
My Pick: Colts by 10

Chargers at Patriots: This is a pretty interesting game. Chargers have been on fire as of late and everyone knows about the Patriots. This is the time that the Patriots have to show that they deserve to be in talk amongst the great teams in history. The Chargers have a few good things going for them. Rivers has played well lately and LT is the NFL's rushing leader. The Chargers defense isn't too bad either. However, the Patriots are vastly talented. The Chargers would have to play out of their minds to win.
My Pick: Patriots by 14

Now for the NFC:

Giants at Cowboys: If there is one team that has been on a huge slide lately, it's the Cowboys. I'm not blaming Jessica though. Every team is bound to have a few bad games here and there. Unfortunately for Dallas, it was the last two of the season. Still, Romo is a great quarterback, even though many thought last year could have been a fluke. He's got a pretty good recieving core as well, in TO and Terry Glenn may be back for this game. They also have an exceptional run defense. Eli has been playing well as of late, but it's easier to predict weather patterns than Eli Manning. At their best, the Giants could possibly get to the Super Bowl, but they are too inconsistant. With that said, I would not be too surprised to see the Giants win in Dallas. It's hard to beat the same team three times in one season.
My Pick: Cowboys by 4

Seahawks at Packers: Yes, the Seahawks defense looked good against the Redskins.... the Redskins. The 15th ranked offense in the NFL. Let's see how they do against the 2nd ranked offense. The Seahawks are a pretty well balanced team. Good offensive line, good rushing game with Alexander, and a solid passing attack with Hasselbeck. But the Packers are better. The Packer OL has allowed only 19 sacks on the season, the third fewest in the NFL (bested only by the Bengals and the Saints). Seattle: 36. Favre hasn't statistically played this well since the 96-97 era when the Pack went to the Super Bowl two years in a row. He has the best pass completion percentage in his career. He has, arguably, the best recieving core in the NFL, led by Donald Driver, the most underrated WR in the league. Ryan Grant started 10 games this season and played in 12 and has nearly 1,000 yards rushing, more than Alexander (716) and Morris (628) and they both played more games than him. He averages more yards per carry (5.1) and has as many touchdowns as the two combined (8). The Packers defense is 100 times better than last year. Aaron Kampman might be The Terminator, the linebackers are strong with Barnett and Hawk, and the DBs led by Al Harris and Charles Woodson are great. Oh, and God is a Packers/Brett Favre fan. So, there's my case, Jason Bybee. It'll still be a good game.
My Pick: Packers by 10.

As you can see, home field is a big deal in the playoffs as I have all 4 home teams winning. As I said, the one upset that wouldn't surprise me: Giants over Dallas. If my picks hold up, it should be two interesting championship games.

25 Things You May Not Know About Me

2007-12-02T14:45:00.000-08:00

1. From middle school to about 9th or 10th grade, I was a Star Trek nerd. I watched Star Trek: Voyager religiously. I'm not going to lie... I still watch it on Spike TV.

2. When I was a senior in high school, I, like most males about to graduate, was recruited by several of the armed forces. I was only called by the Air Force and Navy, and they quit calling me because I told them I was 6'3" 275 lbs, and they said I was too big. And I quote, "6'3" 275, good Lord... well, I don't think you'll be too comfortable on a submarine... Well, it was good talking to you."

3. Along the same lines, I was once chastised by Jared the Subway Guy about my size. Long story.

4. I didn't know how to ride a bike until I was 11.

5. I almost drowned when I was 5.

6. When I was younger, I would ride every roller coaster at 6 Flags over Georgia except the Georgia Cyclone, which is the most primitive one... don't as me why. I don't know.

7. I would directly inject Berry Propel into my veins if I could, it's that good.

8. I have a scar on my left knee from trying to play Superman when I was young and jumping off my front porch like an idiot.

9. If I could meet anyone in the world, I would pick my grandfather on my dad's side.

10. My middle name is "Griner". It was my dad's father's last name before he was adopted. I know... it can be a little confusing...

11. My parents were going to name me Zachary. They opted for Jacob, and dad has since regretted not just naming me Jake.

12. I've never played a full game of Monopoly.

13. I once went as Ernest P. Worrell for Halloween. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, do yourself a favor and rent an Ernest film, i.e. Ernest Goes to Jail, Ernest Goes to Camp, etc.)

14. The reason I am an avid Green Bay Packers fan is because when I was a kid, I got a kick out of the fact that their fans wore cheese on their heads. It's been love ever since...

15. My DVDs have to be organized in alphabetical order and in two separate genres: Comedy and Drama/Action. It's the one thing I'm OCD about for some reason.

16. I have six best friends. Two are named Wes, one is from Iowa, one has diabetes, and the other is an ex-Bible teacher of mine.

17. When I was younger, I was obsessed with LEGOs. I could build anything with those.

18. In 5th grade, I won the speech contest for the D.A.R.E. program. Yeah...

19. I was Homecoming King. Yeah, I don't know how either...

20. My father is my hero.

21. My first car was a 1992 Mercury Topaz, affectionately known as "Maxi". Ask me why and I'll tell you.

22. My favorite movie of all time is Apollo 13.

23. When I was younger, I was blonde. And thin... and cute...

24. Nutter Butters are my favorite cookies. Hands down. (Must have with a tall glass of milk)

25. Originally, my dad and I would practice football in the front yard when I was younger. For what position? Quarterback. That's of course before we knew I'd be 6'3" 275.

Frank TV

2007-11-19T20:01:00.000-08:00

Please tell me I'm not the only one who is stoked about this show. Frank Caliendo, the amazing impressionist, has his own television show on TBS starting tomorrow night at 10pm. He is absolutely amazing. Every one of his impressions is spot on, Bush, De Niro, Clinton, Robin Williams, Jack Nicholson, Charles Barkley... His John Madden is classic, but his Pacino cracks me up every time. Check out this trailer for it:

Movie/Script Update

2007-11-12T19:46:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've been on here, but that's because I've been so stinking busy. Nonetheless, I wanted to give the two of you that read this an update on my script.

Jonathan and I got done shooting our excerpt scenes last night and hope to have them edited by Wednesday or Thursday. If that is the case, then we will call Cherones at the end of the week and talk to him about getting him a copy of the scenes and the latest draft of the script.

From there, we expect he'll show it to some producers as he said. With all that said, I hope to hear something by Christmas. I don't know that for sure, but that's me trying to be optimistic. If there's any chance I don't have to take those 18 hours next semester, I'm all for it. I do think that if we could just get a chance to meet someone face to face that I could sell it to them pretty easily.

That's about all for now. I'll update this as I get more information.

80 Days and Counting...

2007-10-25T20:46:00.000-07:00

And I can't wait!!

Looks awesome, in my opinion. What do you think?

LUCKY not GUTSY

2007-10-22T20:35:00.000-07:00

It's been a crazy year in college football. There have been so many upsets this year and I have never been so unconvinced about the #1 team in the polls. One of the most nail-biting games this year was this past Saturday's LSU-Auburn game. LSU beat Auburn 30-24 in the last seconds of the game. In case you missed it, here it is:

Here's what I want to say about this particular play: Les Miles was lucky not gutsy for this play. I'm tired of hearing people praise Les Miles for this moment of "divine insight" by deciding to go for it instead of kicking the field goal. It was not a great call. The only reason people are praising him is because it worked. You mean to tell me that if he decided to go for the field goal and the kicker missed it that people would be saying "Miles is an idiot for kicking the field goal. He should have let the offense stay on the field and snap it with under 10 seconds and go for the end zone."? No. People would crucify the kicker for missing it, not screaming at Miles for going with the smart, safe play.

Going for that was not bright by any means; it was down right idiotic. Ask any coach in America what he would have done with anywhere from 40 to 10 seconds left in the 4th quarter on the Auburn 22, one timeout remaining, on 3rd and 7, and down by ONE point. They would have kicked the field goal. And don't say "Well, Jake, that's why your blogging about it and he's on the field coaching on Saturdays". What, because I'm not head coach of a division I football team means I can't have logic and criticize a decision made when it comes to football? The same thing could be said about your very statement. And don't make the arguement, "Well, it worked, so you can't argue with that". Yes I can. My arguement is not that the play didn't work. It obviously did. My arguement is that it is not, I repeat, not an intelligent playcalling decision. Here's why:

Three things can happen when you pass the football and two of them are bad. Watch the video clip again. The cornerback was in position to make the play and he just didn't. Think of what could have gone wrong. The pass is incomplete, time runs out. Flynn gets sacked, time runs out or you're backed up even further from a field goal try even if there is time left on the clock. The pass is intercepted, game over. The receiver isn't open, Flynn wastes time trying to find an open reciever. Too many things could have gone wrong in that situation, a lot moreso than deciding to kick a field goal.

Sure, some of these things could still result in stopping the clock with time on it to kick a field goal. But look at it this way. The play clock was started with :30 left. The play before was over and there were :41 left on the clock. If you put your field goal unit on the field at the end of the play, the chance is that Tuberville calls a timeout to ice the kicker. Time is stopped. Even if he doesn't, you have time to line up and attempt the kick. If there's a bad snap, you fall on it and use your timeout. If it's blocked and you recover it, you can still call timeout and kick it again. The odds of a kicker making his kick are a lot better than completing that pass.

The so called "great playcalling" of Les Miles is nothing but a defiance of football logic. The smart, statistical play is to kick the field goal. Don't tell me that Miles is a genius for letting Flynn make the play, because it was without a doubt 100% lucky.

Please, if anyone reads this blog, post a comment with your opinion.

The Best of the Now Defunct Reality Series

2007-10-17T17:01:00.000-07:00

I always hate when a television show I like gets cancelled. Usually I have pretty good taste in television, so that rarely happens. But I have found that most of the ones I do enjoy that get cancelled are reality shows. Now, I will readily admit that, in general, I hate reality television. The main reason is that there is a lot of crap out there (i.e. anything on VH1 or MTV). However, there are a few that catch my attention and imagination every now and then... but they disappeared without a trace into the television wasteland. I want them back. This came up in a class the other day and I started thinking about reality shows I enjoyed that I want brought back. 3 came to mind. Here they are:

1. The Mole (ABC) - This very well had the chance to be the greatest reality show of all time. It was an extremely intelligent show, and that's probably why it was under-appreciated. Hosted by the handsome, suave, surly voice Anderson Cooper (let's be honest, this show made his career), this show pitted contested against each other, but forcing them to work together at the same time. They had to work together in physical and mental challenges to earn money for a large cash prize for the winner of the show. However, one of them was a double-agent hired by the producers to sabotage the group's efforts. They had to be very careful about to not draw attention to themselves. A test was done at the end of the show about the Mole. Players were asked questions about the Mole and the contestant with the lowest score was removed from the game. Incredibly awesome show. It needs to come back.

2. My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiance (FOX) - One of the funniest shows I've ever seen. The guy on there was hysterical. Here's the premise: A girl thinks she's on a reality show where she has to fake getting married to another guy. They have to tell their families that they met on a reality show and love each other and are getting hitched in 12 days. If they get their entire family to the wedding and through the ceremony without anyone objecting, they each get $250,000. Here's the catch.... the woman doesn't know that the guy is an actor and has been hired to make her life a living hell by being... well, big, fat, and obnoxious. The guy's "family" is even a group of hired actors. Obviously, the tension with the woman's family is ridiculously high, and of course they hate him. On the day of the wedding, they do get through it and they announce to the family that it was a setup. The guy Steve then tells the woman Randi that he was also a setup and that she actually won $500,000 and each family member (mom, dad, and three siblings) gets $100,000 of their own. The mayhem this guy cause was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. He felt so bad about it, but he thought it was funny too. Please bring this show back too.

3. Fear (MTV) - There are few things in life that make me poop my pants and I enjoy it. Roller coasters and scary movies are about the extent, but this show is one of those things. Here was the premise of the show according to it's opening credits: "The people are real, the places are real, the fear is real. Six people have been sent to a location they've never been before to determine if it's haunted. They record their own experiences. There is no camera crew. They are alone." The rules to the show were simple. Follow the instructions on the website in the safehouse, complete all the dares, and each contestant left would earn $5,000. This show facinated me. I think it was incredibly cool. MTV would go in ahead of the contestant's arrival and place infrared cameras in the locations they would be sending them, but that was it. They had body mounted cameras and DV camcorders. I don't know if there is such things as ghosts, but I will admit that wierd crap happens in really creepy places with strange histories. Almost all the episodes of Fear are available on YouTube, and if this kind of stuff intrigues you, I would suggest watching them. I could maybe do some of the dares, but some... there's no way. For example, in the episode in the West Virginia State Penitentiary, go in the execution chamber and take the tarp off the electric chair. Or in the episode at the St. Agnes Hospital for the Chronically Ill (a nuthouse), lie in a morgue body drawer in radio silence until a teammate comes to get you. I don't think so... (You can see more of the dares from the show here.)

Any shows you miss? Let me know!

Big, Big News!!

2007-10-14T21:19:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned on here recently, I wrote a script over the summer. It's currently in it's third draft, and I won't mention just yet what it's about. Anyway, me and a friend of mine, Jonathan Jackson, decided we wanted to make it ourselves rather than sell the script. We have our own ideas and visions for the characters and story and don't want anyone else to mess with that. We wanted to seek as much professional help as we could as far as this was concerned. We talked to a few professors as well as people in the business locally. But, the big fish we were looking to catch was some advice from Tom Cherones.

Also as mentioned on here before, Jonathan and I both worked with Tom Cherones on the short film I was in last spring semester. Tom Cherones, in case you can't remember or didn't know, directed the first five seasons of the classic sitcom Seinfeld. That's right. He directed Seinfeld. Anyway, we wanted to see if we could send him a letter asking his advice as well as our script to him. We were able to send it through the university, and didn't know when we'd hear from him. That was about a month and a half ago that we sent that package with letter and second draft.

I finally heard from him Wednesday evening. He called my cell phone. He told me that he loved the script and thought it was very funny. He then suggested that we shoot a few scenes from the movie to have something to show to people other than the script. He said with that video, we are trying to sell ourselves, and not so much our script (which he said would be easy to sell). The biggest news was that he said once we shot it and got a draft of the script we liked, he would show it to some Hollywood producers for us!

Needless to say, we are already working on it. We think we'll have something done before Thanksgiving and could possibly know something from Hollywood by Christmas! Stay tuned for more details!!!

2007 MLB Postseason

2007-10-03T11:59:00.000-07:00

There are few things in sports better than postseason baseball. It is always entertaining. This year's postseason is a bit difficult to predict. No team clearly stands out like one seems to every year. There is a good balance in each division this year. I wanted to give my thoughts on what happens.

New York Yankees vs. Cleveland Indians - Mark my words, the winner of the World Series will come out of this series. I'm not sure which just yet. I would pick the Indians just to aggrivate my roommate, but I don't know if I can just yet. There's positives and negatives for both, and they are usually the same thing. Yes, the pitching combo of Sabathia and Carmona is great, but Sabathia is 1-7 vs. the Yanks with an ERA of over 7. At the same time, I don't trust the starting pitching for the Yankees. Wang has been the only truely consistant pitcher this year. Clemens hasn't been anything special this year (just 6-6 with an ERA of 4.18), Mussina blew up and may not be able to pull it back together. Even their rookie they call "The Future" Phil Hughes has an ERA of nearly 4.5. Wang and Pettite are their best chances. Now, that's not to say that the bullpen isn't pretty darn good with rookie sensation Joba Chamberlain, Vizcaino, and the Sandman. The key for the Yankees is going to again this year be pitching and A-Rod. In his last 57 postseason plate apperances, A-Rod has had 0 RBIs and 0 HR. That has got to change, and I think it can this year. A-Rod this year is the reason they are in the playoffs. In the past, he hasn't been so much, but his stellar performance in the regular season got them there. A-Rod can win it for them and he can lose it for them. This series will certainly go the 5 game stretch.

Boston Red Sox vs. L.A. Angels - A little while back I would have given this series to the Angels, but things have changed. The Angels have been a pretty good postseason team in recent history, usually giving the Yankees trouble, but coming into this postseason, they are hurting. While they do have that one great ace in Lackey, other problems hurt them. Gary Matthews is out. That takes away a good bit of power from this lineup, which is what has won them games in the past. Vlad can't play in the field, and the man has a cannon in right field. Not only that, but Bartolo Colon can't play for the Angels. There's a lot going against the Halos right now. The Sox share the best record in baseball with the Indians. Their pitching is pretty good. Dice-K trailed off and didn't do as well as expected, but Beckett is the man-child on the mound. He's a tremendous pitcher. They've also got Schilling, who's been to the big game before and can still pitch. On top of that they have Papelbon, who is a great closer. But some of their pitching staff tends to give up runs at poor times (i.e. their regular season series vs. the Yankees). Just keep in mind, while the Sox have the best record in baseball, the team with the best regular season record has only won the Series ONCE in the past 17 years... and it was the '98 Yankees...

Chicago Cubs vs. Arizona Diamondbacks - The Diamondbacks own the best record in the NL. The Cubs own the worst record out of any team in the postseason. They had to scrap to win the division against a Milwaukee that folded at the end of the year and a Cardinals team that was heavily injured. Both of these teams rely heavily on their pitching to win ballgames. The Cubs blew a lot of leads with their pitching this season, but still have a better bullpen than last year. The Diamondbacks though have done an excellent job of bullpen management. According to an article in the New York Times, Manager Bob Melvin has put his best relievers in when they have had a lot of leverage and vice versa, winning them a lot of games. Here's what will probably happen: Zambrano will do awful and start a fight in the dugout, while the rookies will keep out-pitching the Cubs' "ace" pitcher. Ramirez and Lee will get a few big hits here and there, but nothing too special. Because of the great pitching management by the D-Backs, it will give them an advantage in what's sure to be a low-scoring series. Keep in mind, the best hitters on the Cubs are righties. The best pitchers on the D-Backs... also righties.

Colorado Rockies vs. Philadelphia Phillies - This matchup is pretty interesting. The Rockies are coming off the second best stretch in MLB history to make it to the playoffs, winning 14 of their last 15. They also just defeated the Padres in probably the best tiebreaker game in history. The Rockies have been used to putting up big numbers in the thin air of Coors Field. They've got Matt Holiday, who might be the MVP of the NL, Todd Helton, and 3 other guys batting in the .290 to .300 range that all have at least 24 HRs and 99 RBIs. That's pretty impressive. They are on a roll, and could continue, but they come up against a team that has been even better offensively. The Phillies have 3 MVP candidates on their team in the young phenom Ryan Howard, Jimmy Rollins, and Chase Utley. So, with that said, every game could end up 12-10. The Rockies have the slight edge in defense, but the Phillies offense could prove to be too strong for what is an uncertain Rockies rotation.

My Predictions:
Yankees over Indians in 5
Red Sox over Angels in 4
Diamondbacks over Cubs in 3
Phillies over Rockies in 4

Divisional Championships:
Yankees over Red Sox in 4
Phillies over Diamondbacks in 4

World Series:
Yankees over Phillies in 6

I had a tough time choosing between the Yanks and Indians, but I gave A-Rod and the Yanks the benefit of the doubt. Let me know what you think!

My Current Favorites

2007-09-25T11:52:00.001-07:00

I've got a lot of things that I've really been into lately, and I thought I'd share them with you.

1. X-Box 360 Live - My roommate, Nic, just got a 360 at the beginning of the school year and we've been playing it quite frequently. I'm not a full blown nerd that plays 24/7 or waits in line at GameStop for 5 hours to get the first copy of Halo 3, but I do enjoy playing it. Games of choice: Gears of War and Rainbow Six: Vegas.

2. Home Improvement - Oh, man, I love this show. One of my favorite sitcoms. It's just good ol' clean fun. I love it. I want to model being a father after Tim "The Toolman" Taylor.

3. Heroes - Season 2 just started last night, and I'm hooked all over again. Season 1 was great, and I have to admit, I didn't see the last 5 episodes, I just read a summary. Nonetheless, a great start to season 2. If you haven't seen this show at all, do yourself a huge favor and get the first season.

4. Football - Usually it would just be college football, but not this year. Over the past few years, I haven't been as big of a Packers fan. Not because we've blown, which we have, but because I've gotten caught up in Alabama football being dead center in the nexus of it. Because of that, I haven't concentrated as much on the Pack as I'd like. This year, I was determined, and I couldn't be happier, footballogically speaking. Sure, the Tide just lost a close one, but we're still pretty good I think. And I could not be happier for Favre and the Packers, starting out 3-0 against 3 playoff teams. I'm so glad he's doing well. And now, my man Favre is one TD pass away from owning the sole record of most TD passes ever. You the man, Brett!

5. Fantasy Football - The Camoo City Merkins couldn't be off to a better start. I'm 3-0 in the division, with the best/worst running back of the league as my number one draft pick. Yes, LaDainian Tomlinson as well as Drew Brees are on my team, but I'm not worried about it too much. I've got Romo starting, T.O. and Marques Colston, Jeremy Shockey, and the Patriots defense. The team finds a way to get it done when they need to.

6. Writing/Filmmaking - You'll probably say "of course" to this one, but me and a friend are trying to put together a small internet sitcom, so that we can stay sharp with writing and filming while other things are in the works. All I'm going to tell you right now is that it is called "Home Room" and it's about unorthidox teachers at a small middle school. The Office, My Name is Earl, and Scrubs, meet Boston Public... I guess... it's the only school show I could think of.

7. Soft Serve Ice Cream - In particular the chocolate and vanilla swirl. I don't think any other explaination is required.

8. The Office - Season 3 starts up this Thursday, and I'm psyched! What happened with Pam and Jim over the summer? What about Michael and Jan? What's going on with Ryan now that he's corporate? A lot of interesting questions to be answered on the one-hour season premiere!

So, that's it. What are you into right now?

I'm Tired, Ready, and Hopeful

2007-09-09T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few days since I've been on here, so I thought I'd add a post for all of you (zero) readers. I'm really starting to get tired with things. I'm tired of the everyday, the mundane. Day to day life is getting pretty old to me. I'm tired of school, and I'm tired of work.

Classes bore me to no end. I hate them. I'm so aggravated right now because the classes I'm taking have no importance for me with what I want to do with my life. I'm majoring in Telecommunication & Film, which you would think would have something to do with film since it's in the name of my major, right? You couldn't be more wrong. It gears more towards the Telecommunications part than the film. It's mostly about television and radio. Well, that's not what I want to do. My classes are as follows:

Mass Communications Law & Regulation: I do not care. I'm not going to need this since the FCC (which is what's largly covered by this class) does not regulate film. The MPAA does. Not to mention... it's law. I, as stated in the previous sentence, do not care. I don't want to know about the open meeting law from a guest lecturer. I understand we have a 20 page paper due at the end of the year with a minimum 40 different citations, but I'm not going to barge into the Alabama State Senate's meeting to get stuff for my paper.
Mass Communications Research: Wow. I'm certainly going to need this for screenwriting and acting. Now, you may say that I would for screenwriting, but you'd be wrong, because I'm only going to write comedy. If I need to look something up, it would be something like when Hostess started producing the Twinkie and I can do that on Wikipedia (it was invented on April 6, 1930 by the way). I'm not going to need to research at what point kids stop paying attention to something and what holds their attention best.
Telecommunication Programming: Television programming. I'm not going to be running a television station or network, therefore, this information is unneeded, thank you.

I'm so tired of college. I'm ready to take on the real world and all of its challenges. I'm ready to have a job and have some money. I'm ready to have some responsibility. I'm ready to start having to get bills in on time instead of papers on the effects of 18th century literature on modern authors. I'm ready to do what I want to do with the rest of my life. I know that screenwriting and acting is not going to be easy, but I know I have the passion, the talent, and the perseverance to make it happen. And I don't care if I'm not making much money, I want to do something I love for the rest of my life, and this is it.

I'm also tired of doing the radio show. Yes, it's doing well, and yes, people are listening more than ever. The problem is I just don't enjoy doing it any more. I don't feel like I can be as creative and expressive with radio as I can when I'm writing a script. Why do you think I write on here? Because I enjoy writing, but screenwriting in particular. I can do so much with it, and I can do it when ever I want.

I'm tired of waking up at 6 am first of all. I could be doing something else with that time, like, I dunno........ sleeping? Secondly, I'm tired of being expected to be hysterically funny between the hours of 7-9 every Monday thru Friday. I can write when I'm in the mood to write. I don't have to force it then. The show has become such a strain on me at this point, and I just don't want to do it any more.

You could say that I should just quit, but I don't want to do that. A man's word is his bond; I learned that from my father. You don't quit something you started or that you told someone else you would do. I'm not going to stop doing it, because I made the promise that I would, and I can't break that promise. However, just because I don't like doing it any more doesn't mean I'm not going to try my best. I just wish I didn't have to deal with the hassle of doing the show any more when I could be concentrating on other things that I genuinely care about.

I'm trying to get an independent film started with a script I wrote over the summer. It's currently in it's second draft, and I'm working on a third right now. I really want something to happen with this so badly. I can't tell you how much I want this to work out. I'm really pleased with the story and the script is almost where I want it. We're working on a few options, and one may work out.

Anyway, I know this isn't what you are used to reading on my blog, but I just need to vent every now and then, and you may see more of this, since it is easier to write about what's going on than coming up with little gimmick posts. Anyway, if you made it this far through reading this, I really appreciate it...

20 Greatest Classic Rock Songs of All-Time

2007-08-20T10:31:00.000-07:00

So, lately I've gotten into ranking things I love, and I think I'll do it more often on my blog here. One thing that I love is music. I love listening to it in the car and I love singing like an idiot while in the car (or anywhere, really). Music can pump me up, make me feel sad, mellow me out, or just make me happy. Music is a powerful thing. But I most like to feel pumped up when I'm listening to a song. If it makes me break out my 1968 Gibson SG Air Guitar, then it's a darn good song. No kind of music makes me do this more than rock music, and more specifically, classic rock. I love it. The '70s thru the early to mid '90s was the greatest era for rock music. With that said, I got bored the other night and ranked what I think are the 20 greatest classic rock songs of all time. Here we go!

20. Black Betty by Ram Jam - Everyone knows it. Great song, great guitar playing.

19. More Than a Feeling by Boston - Another classic you can't help but sing.

18. Highway to Hell by AC/DC - The opening guitar riff is enough to get me going. One of the most recognizable openings to a rock song.

17. Gimme All Your Lovin' by ZZ Top - Real catchy tune you can't help but sing.

16. Don't Stop Believing by Journey - Everyone knows the first few lines to this song. Probably played by every underdog team in America (see Boston Red Sox 2004).

15. Last Dance with Mary Jane by Tom Petty - Another song everyone knows. Another recognizable beginning and very catchy. You can't help but sing it.

14. Free Bird by Lynyrd Skynyrd - What's unfortunate for this song is that it is the most clichéd of all time. Shame, because the solo is ridiculous. It's a great song, the guitar playing is incredible, and it's one of the most fun songs to play on Guitar Hero II.

13. Back in Black by AC/DC - Another tune everyone immediatley recognizes. Great workout song.

12. Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard - Oh, c'mon... if you don't know this song, then you have never been at a party, because whenever it comes on, regardless of where it does, everyone is yelling this song at the top of their lungs.

11. Start Me Up by Rolling Stones - I think this is the best Stones song. Many will say Satisfaction, but I disagree. Very recognizable, and very awesome.

10. Fortunate Son by Creedence Clearwater Revival - This song is awesome. Just a great, older, rocking tune. You can help but love this song.

9. Hold On Loosely by .38 Special - Great song. Great guitar playing. Very catchy.

8. Here I Go Again by Whitesnake - See argument for #12 (this one's just better).

7. Ain't Nothin' But a Good Time by Poison - You may be asking where Every Rose Has It's Thorn is, but this is a list for rockin' music. Every Rose is a great song, don't get me wrong, but this one ROCKS. I break out the air guitar every time. Awesome pump up song.

6. Peace of Mind by Boston - Another recognizable, and great opening riff. Everyone has heard this song, but may not know what it's called, because I didn't for a long time. The mix of acoustic and electric guitar play in this is great.

5. Juke Box Hero by Foreigner - This song gets me pumped and singing every time. This is a classic song, and I think, the best of Foreigner (although Hot Blooded gets an honorable mention).

4. China Grove by Doobie Brothers - Another rocking tune. Great opening guitar riff and great song overall.

3. Sweet Child 'o' Mine by Guns 'n' Roses - Possibly one of the greatest guitar songs ever. Slash is a great guitarist and this song proves that. Easily recognized, easily loved. I sing it and play the air guitar every time. This song straight up rocks.

2. Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas - EVERYONE knows this song. One of my all time favorites. It's another one that everyone sings at the top of their lungs. One of the best ever, but not quite....

1. You Shook Me All Night Long by AC/DC - Listening to this song for the first time was like when I found out stuff could be put inside a doughnut: life-changing. This, in my humble O, is the greatest classic rock song of all time. I rock to this song so hard I get cramps every time. Great air guitaring song, great song to sing. I love it. And the solo at approximately 2:19 gets my adrenaline going. I absolutely love this song. If you haven't heard it or don't have it, go to iTunes now. This #1 may come to a surprise to many of you, but I think it is one of the best, hardest rocking songs of all time.

So there you have it. My list of 20 Greatest Classic Rock Songs of All-Time. Now, keep in mind, just because a certain band doesn't have a song on here, doesn't mean I don't think they are one of the greatest ever (i.e. Aerosmith). The artists recieving the most honors are AC/DC with 3 songs and Boston with 2.

Let me know what you think!

Long, Long, Long Hiatus...

2007-08-19T19:50:00.000-07:00

Yes, it's been a while. Stop complaining. I've been really, really, really busy. The summer just ended for me so let me tell you in a nutshell what I did. I worked and I wrote. Not on here, obviously. As for working, I worked a Terranova's Italian Restaurant as a server. I was pretty much awesome. 'Nuff said.

As for writing, I came up with an idea for a movie in late April this year. Me and two other friends began to develop the story and in late May, I started writing it. Well, as of August 9, I completed it. My first full length motion picture screenplay. It's currently in it's first draft and at 96 pages, and it's only going to get longer. I'd tell you what it's about, but I don't want anyone stealing the idea. As far as it becoming something... well, it is certainly a possibility.

Since it has been a while, I decided to give my blog a facelift. I'm going to try to put stuff on here more often, and I know you've heard that before, but I really am this time. Coming in the next few days, I've got a list I did recently I think you'll find pretty interesting, so stay tuned!

Best Current Television Shows

2007-02-09T09:20:00.000-08:00

With my roommate out of town and me done with classes for the day, that would make me extremely bored which means it's time for a new list! I am currently on a huge television kick, which is actually nothing new. But I have a show for nearly every day of the week now. So, I'm going to list some of my favorite television shows that are currently airing. Here we go!

10. My Name is Earl - I don't watch this show often, because I never really started to, but the times I have it's been pretty funny.

9. Mythbusters - This show is on all the time on Discovery and it's always a blast to watch. They have some of the coolest jobs in the world. It's a really cool show, always interesting, and I watch it as often as I can.

8. The Late Show with David Letterman - I can't stand Leno, but Letterman is a genius. Whether it's "Will It Float", "Throwing Stuff Off of the Ed Sullivan Theater", "Great Moments in Presidential Speeches, or "Know Your Current Events", Letterman is hysterical. I love Conan, but since I'm on a Letterman kick right now, he gets on the list.

7. Prison Break - This wouldn't be this low on the list had I started watching season 2. I saw the first season over the summer and got hooked. But, due to my busy schedule, I missed the first 2 episodes of season 2 and I just can't do that...

6. House - Hugh Laurie is a great actor, and Dr. Gregory House is one of the best TV characters of all time. He is hysterical and a genius rolled in to one... Much like myself. Again, if I watched this more often, it would definately be higher.

5. The Knights of Prosperity - Yeah, I just started watching this show online last night, but it was hilarious. Unfortunately, I think this show may be too smart for some people and it may go out much like Arrested Development did. All the full episodes are online at ABC.com and they are great. This is a great show, and it's moving up the list quickly.

4. The Colbert Report - And now starts the list of shows I watch religiously. I rarely miss and episode of the Colbert Report. He is extremely funny. I used to like the Daily Show, but Colbert is much funnier. The guy is a genius and my hero.

3. The Office - The funniest show on television, bar none. The first two seasons were absolutely golden, each season better than the next, and season 3 is no exception. Steve Carell is genius in this role. His character Michael Scott ranks up there towards the top of the greatest, as does that of Dwight Schrute. The writers, which are also characters on the show (Ryan the temp, Kelly, and Toby), are excellent as well. It is a comedy gold mine.

2. Heroes - This obsession also started like Knights of Prosperity did. I watched these online after I caught an episode on TV one night. I've been hooked ever since. I suggest everyone watch this. It is GREAT television. The characters are great and their storylines are wonderful. There is only one other show that I've had a bigger obsession with......

1. 24 - Best show on TV. I don't care what anybody says. Jack Bauer will be my write-in vote for '08. This season has been awesome so far. My obsession with this show is unhealthy, but I love it. Sure some of our old favorites are gone (R.I.P. David Palmer, Tony Almeida, Michelle Dessler, Edgar Styles, and Curtis Manning), but the new characters are great. This show is awesome and NO ONE will convince me otherwise.

Biggest Movers:
Saturday Night Live - This show took a nose dive after Ferrell left, but it has recently started coming back, and thank the Lord it has. I couldn't stand to look at the train wreck that used to be SNL, but with a new lead writer (Seth Meyers) and some new great talent (i.e. Andy Samberg and Bill Hader) and the improvement of several players like Will Forte and Kenan Thompson this show may just be on its way back to the top.

Friday Night Lights - I thought this show would be awful when I heard about it, but it's actually very good. It's got some actors that suprise you with how good they really are. Not necessarily some big names, but they are really good actors. It combines a lot of different elements like comedy, drama, and romance and makes for a very entertaining show.

Honorable Mentions:
LOST - I'll give credit where credit's due. I've never seen the show, but I hear from a lot of people who's television opinions I respect (Jason Bybee) that it is very good. So with that said, I had to give it some credit.

Well, there you have it, folks! Let me know what you think!

What a Semester It Has Been....

2007-02-04T13:03:00.000-08:00

It seems like I get on here every once in a while and say this same thing: Yeah, I know it's been quite some time. But I've been REALLY busy with a LOT of cool stuff. All of which I am going to let you know about. And, yes, this is going to be a semi-serious post.

So the morning show has gone incredibly well. For those of you who don't know, I have been hosting a morning show on the campus radio station at the University of Alabama since January 16, 2006. We just had our 1 year anniversary last month. We obviously take off for the summer, so we haven't really done it for a full year.

Nonetheless, it has gone like nothing I would have ever imagined. We have an article in the Crimson White (the student newspaper) every other Monday, which has gone well. We get so much support from so many people it's crazy. We have people call in all the time now. Just this past Friday we had over 30 CALLERS call in. Not all went on the air, but for them to just call in was incredible. I just can't believe the support we get, and I truly appreciate those who give it to us. We've got a lot that we want to do, and I just hope it all goes as we're planning.

Plus, on Wednesday, my Intramural team, the Oatmeal Cream Pies (OCP), played it's first intramural basketball game of the year. We played the Screaming Donkeys who turned out to be THE biggest jerks of all time. They bumped us, cussed us, pushed us around, made tons of contact, ran their mouths and so on.

Well, we started the game well, but were down 20-23 at the half. We started the second half and rebounded better, but got down by 9. We fought back and tied it up 38-38 with 2:00 left in the game. We got the ball back with 1:30 to play and held the ball and got the clock down to :20. We called time out, tried to run a play, and it didn't work, so with :10.7 left on the clock, we called our last time out.

Our team captain told me Nic (my roommate) was going to catch the inbound pass at the top of the key and pass it to him on the wing. He was going to drive towards the top of the key to draw the defense and then get it to me in the post for the last shot.

Inbound pass comes to Nic and two defenders swarm to him. He somehow got it to Chad (our captain) and the same happened to him. Well, I felt wide open and was afraid he didn't see me. All of the sudden, I get the spin bounce pass and take a hook step and a dribble. I feel two guys come down to me. I pivot, pump fake, jump and fade, and take the shot off the glass for the GAME-WINNER WITH 1.7 SECONDS LEFT IN THE GAME!! The only thing prettier than that shot was beating those jerks.

Next for some big news....

Since this morning show has become a monster I can't control anymore, I have really felt that I'm on the right track with my career. Although, morning radio isn't something I think I'd like to do. Do I enjoy it? You bet! It's a blast. But I have bigger things in mind.

I have always loved movies as you can tell from my past posts. I've long wanted to get involved in them, but recently, a dream has become a bit of a reality.

Steve's roommate Jonathan is really into film as well. We've long joked about writing a film and shooting it, but nothing has ever happened. Well, when I come back from break I find out that he entered a script in a contest to have his film shot by a class at the University this spring. That class is taught by Tom Cherones.

For those of you who don't know, Tom Cherones is a very established director and producer. He directed and produced several seasons of "Seinfeld" and has directed "Desperate Housewives". He graduated from the University of Alabama and for several years now has been coming back here to teach an advanced class that basically makes a 30 minute film. The scripts for the film come from this contest that Jonathan entered.

Well, Jonathan entered an incomplete script. Our advisor got a call from Cherones who is in L.A. telling her to tell Jonathan to finish it, because he might select it. Well, Jonathan was in the process of doing this when I went over to his apartment one night before classes started back up and he told me about it; he said it was a horror/thriller/mystery/comedy film. He then asked if I would help write it and mainly focus on writing the comedy for it. Well, of course I obliged and was pumped about it. So I helped him write not only the comedy, but some other plot stuff as well as the ending and he sent it in.

Well, a week or so went by and I got a call from him while eating with my aunt. He said that he wanted to audition for this reality show FOX is doing called "On the Lot". It's for aspiring directors and producers and the show is being produced by Steven Speilberg and Mark Burnett. To audition, you have to send in a 5-minute short film. So he asked if I would write and star in his short. Well, I was even more pumped about that.

I got to work and wrote what I thought was a pretty strong script. We started shooting and got done with all the shooting yesterday and I am PUMPED about it. If he gets picked, that can REALLY help me out, too.

So that's nearly done and before we finished filming yesterday, I got a call from Jonathan on Thursday telling me that the script I helped him write and develop was just chosen by Tom Cherones!! So, I'm completely stoked because apparently Cherones is so excited about making it, he wants to start ASAP. Not only that, but Jonathan said that if he has any say in the film, he's going to suggest to Cherones that I play the lead role in the film!!

So needless to say, because of how things have gone for me recently and things that I've done and accomplished, I KNOW I'm on the right track with my career. I just can't wait to see what the future holds!!

We Never Stop Working for You...

2006-12-11T12:17:00.000-08:00

Well, I have long said that probably 80% of people in this world are complete ignoramuses and this just further proves my theory.

Meet George Vaccaro, a Verizon Wireless customer with an unlimited data plan in the U.S. This basically means that he can use the internet on his phone as much as he wants. He recently went on a trip across the border to Canada. Before he left, he called Verizon's customer service to ask what the rate would be in Canada for phone and data usage.

THIS IS THE IMPORTANT PART

They told him that it would be .002 CENTS/KB. After she gave him this surprisingly low rate, he asked her to confirm it again and then had her document it in his account. He used over 35,000 kB. If you do the math, George should have been charged 71 CENTS, however, Verizon charged him $71.

This was obviously a problem, so he called Verizon and tried to explain to them the problem. Surprisingly, the problem wasn't necesarrily a misquote. Instead, the problem was that Verizon could not tell the difference between .002 DOLLARS and .002 CENTS. Wow, has the American educational system failed Verizon poorly.

You have to hear this yourself to grasp the idiocy of the Verizon people. You can listen to the phone call to Verizon that George recorded or you can check out George's blog. You have to listen to this phone call. I know it's long, but it only gets better, and it's well worth it, I think.

Yule Die with Laughter this Christmas...

2006-12-10T13:34:00.000-08:00

Well, now that Thanksgiving is over, we're staring down the barrel of yet another holiday guaranteed to help you tip the scales even more. To me, Thanksgiving is a reminder that Christmas is just around the corner. Now, don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving. I think it's an important holiday, but it's not the best. What makes it the best are two things: Family and holiday cheer? [buzzer] WRONG! That stuff's good and all but let's be honest... the answers: Christmas music and Christmas movies. I know... I just got done with a "top" list, but in the spirit of the holiday season, I had to do it. So, without further ado, my top 10 Christmas movies.

10. Jingle All the Way: I know, probably an awful pick, but isn’t that what makes this movie great? Starring the Governator and Sinbad, the guy who’s dropped off the face of the earth, and Phil Hartman is in it too. Two fathers who go crazy a la "Black Friday" after Thanksgiving over an action figure. Any person who stampedes a elderly couple for that $15 laptop at Wal-Mart should take one look at this movie to realize how ridiculous they are acting. Nonetheless, it’s still a pretty fun movie to watch during Christmas. I wouldn’t suggest watching it any other time of the year.

9. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: The animated special that's on CBS every single year. How great is this? I love it, goofy songs and all. I will have to be honest with you though... the part where they first introduce the Abominable Snowman still scares the crap out of the me now...

8. How the Grinch Stole Christmas: Also, the animated version. The Jim Carrey version is funny, but this one is just a family classic. The Grinch... also still scares me...

7. Ernest Saves Christmas: I'm upset that Jim Varney passed, but he left us with several gems, one of which is this movie. Maybe a guilty pleasure, I know, but Ernest is just so funny in every film he does, and this Christmas film is great. I just love everything Varney did.

6. It's a Wonderful Life: Just a great holiday movie. I love comedies, as you all should know by now, but I'm also a sucker for just a really good movie. This is a great holiday film that everybody should see at least once.

5. The Santa Clause: Regardless of what some people may think about him, I love Tim Allen. This movie was great. Although his kid was kind of annoying, that giant smart-mouthed elf was a nice touch. Allen getting progressively fatter and stuffing his face with sweets at every waking moment, especially at his meeting, is entertaining. Tim Allen is really what made this movie good. The fact that there’s 95 of them now... well, that’s just funny too.

4. Elf: Red, Buddy... That’s my favorite color. As well as the color of my face when I watch this movie. Will Ferrell plays the ignoramus in all of his movie, and this one as Buddy the Elf is just as good as the rest. Everything from eating syrup on spaghetti, to buying his father a provocative piece of lingerie, to a 60-second belch, to getting in a wrestling match with a department store Santa kept me laughing ‘til the credits were rolling.

3. A Christmas Story: The creator of one of the most memorable lines of all time: "You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!". This movie is by all means a classic. So many great moments like the neighbor’s dogs stealing the turkey, the dad getting the leg lamp, licking the pole on the playground, and of course the mall scene on the big red slide with the worst Santa and elves of all time. All the kid wanted was an official Red Ryder Carbine-Action 200-Shot Range Model Air Rifle. Is that too much to ask?

2. Home Alone: The best movie Macaulay Culkin ever did? The Pagemaster? I don’t think so. This movie inspired me as a child and aggravated my parents and sisters who fell victim to my traps in the house. This movie is full of laughs. I mean, who doesn’t laugh every time they see Marv get hit in the face with an iron or when Harry burns his hand on the door knob? I just bought this movie at Target a few days ago, and I suggest you do the same. This movie is a holiday classic along with it’s sequel. No, not 3 and 4...

1. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: Now that Christmas time is here, I don't have to feel bad about watching this every single day through, until, and even just after Christmas. Not only is it the best Christmas movie of all-time, it’s one of the funniest of all-time. Chevy Chase as Clark W. Griswold Jr. is pure comedy gold. Every single thing this guy does to give his family the perfect Christmas blows up in his face. The movie is full of great moments (the scene at the mall with the lingerie saleswoman) and lines ("Merry Christmas! S---ter’s full!"), and Eddie... OH, Cousin Eddie... You can't say more about Randy Quaid's performance in this film. And it has the two greatest rants of all time towards the end. I know at the Bennett household, this movie will be getting watched nearly every day.

So there’s my list. I suggest you go pick all of these up and watch them all numerous times. So whether you say "Merry Christmas", "Happy Hanukkah", "Happy Kwanzaa", or "Happy Holidays", I just say "Keep tha change, ya filthy animal..."

My 50 Funniest Movies: THE TOP TEN!!

2006-12-10T13:20:00.000-08:00

I just want to get this over with. I want to talk about something else for once, so here it goes. A small description, and I'm moving on...

10. National Lampoon's Vacation: Chevy Chase as Clark Griswold taking his family on a cross-country road trip doesn't get much better... unless there's a sequal.....

9. Meet the Parents: Who thought that DeNiro could be so funny? "I have nipples, Greg... could you milk me?"

8. Ace Ventura: Pet Detective: Attention THIS Jim Carrey... please come back... By the way, I dressed as him for Halloween one year.

7. Ghostbusters: One of my favorite movies as a kid... the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man... pure genius...

6. Caddyshack: Funniest sports movie ever. Hands down. And what an all-star cast with Chase, Murray, and Dangerfield, and even the rest of the cast was great. I cried when Murray ate that Baby Ruth...

5. National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation: I love this movie. This is the best "Vacation" by far. There is never a dull moment in this film.

4. Old School: All I can say is that there is supposedly a second one coming out, and I might camp out for tickets.

3. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy: I, unlike a one Jason Bybee, think Will Ferrell is a comedic genius, one of the best of our time. I was in the floor with laughter in this movie. I think I saw it 5 times in theaters...

2. Dumb and Dumber: This movie changed my life. It is one of the greatest of all time. There's not much more you can say.

1. Wedding Crashers: Me and a friend of mine saw this a combine 15 times in theaters... sad, I know, but I have never laughed so hard in a movie. There's so many quotable lines (ones that I use in my everyday life now), moments, and characters in this film. I absolutely LOVE this movie. Just look at the three posters on my wall...

There you have it, folks. My Top 50 Funniest Movies. You may disagree with it, but that's ok... we all can't be right about everything...

My 50 Funniest Movies: 20-11

2006-10-16T11:45:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a really long time since I said I would complete this list, but school has been crazy and this is really the first time I've had to myself that I didn't need to spend studying, doing stupid homework, or working on something with radio. I'd love to talk about some other things on here, because I've experienced a lot lately, and most of it isn't of the typical lightheartedness that you'd see on here. I really want to get this done, so I think I'll just go all out on this one post. So let's continue/finish the list, shall we??

20. Mrs. Doubtfire: Robin Williams is great in this movie. He does it all in this movie. He plays a very funny character, well, TWO very funny characters, but he also does an excellent job with the dramatic side of it as well. It's got a great plot, great moments (like when he's trying to be both himself and Mrs. Doubtfire at the same time or when his kids catch him peeing standing up), great lines, and even some wonderful actors. Sally Field and Pierce Brosnan AND Williams? It would be a shame if it wasn't a good movie. And you'll never guess what I just found out on IMDB.com... in 2007, Mrs. Doubtfire 2 will be hitting theaters everywhere. Don't worry... it's still got Williams and Brosnan so far as I can tell. "My first day as a woman and I'm already having hot flashes..."

19. Fletch: Does anyone want to argue with me when I say that Chevy Chase is a comedic genius? NO, because he is. And this movie is no different. I have only seen this once. I don't remember it very well except that I know it is hysterical. I should just go buy it so I can watch it 95 times and remember it. Chase as an undercover reporter who makes up an identity at the drop of a hat is absolutely brilliant and unbelievably funny. This movie is FULL of great one liners and moments that make you laugh days later. This movie had to be mostly ad-libbed by Chase. If not, then that's one great writer. "Name, sir?" "Arnold Babar" "Arnold Babar. Isn't there a children's book about an elephant named Babar?" "I don't know. I don't have any" "No children?" "No elephant books..."

18. Stripes: Oh, man, this is an absolute classic. Bill Murray is one of the funniest actors of all the typical laid back kind of attitude that all his characters seem to exhibit convinces his friend, Ramis, that it's a good idea to join the Army basically to have fun and get in shape... Needless to say, the movie ends up very funny from that point on. Even the supporting cast is really funny, especially John Candy. The end routine is probably the best part of the film when all the guys in Murray's platoon "pull it together" and when they drive into Czechoslovakia with a combat ready RV. Great movie. "We're soldiers; but we're American soldiers. We've been kickin' ass for 200 years. We're 10 and 1..."

17. Groundhog Day: Yes, another Bill Murray movie. Why? Because it's hillarious, that's why. This might be Murray at his finest. This is one of those movies I have to watch everytime I see it on TV. I laugh every time when Ned and Phil exchange "greetings" about halfway through the movie. Ned says "Phil?", Murry says "Ned?" and punches him in the face. Priceless. It's just interesting to see the things he does each day he repeats, because it's never the same. Somedays he's got a great outlook and others he doesn't. Kinda makes you wonder what you would do, doesn't it? But while he is very funny, he does a great job with the drama as well. This is a must buy in my humble opinion. "It's the same things your whole life. 'Clean up your room', 'Stand up straight', 'Pick up your feet', 'Take it like a man', 'Be nice to your sister', 'Don't mix beer and wine, ever'. Oh yeah, 'Don't drive on the railroad track.'" "Eh, Phil. That's one I happen to agree with..."

16. Nutty Professor I and II: I think this is easily the best movie(s) that Eddie Murphy has ever done. No question. These are easily two of the funniest movies ever made. The characters that Murphy plays are hugely funny. The grandmother and the dad are probably two of the funniest characters ever. But what's amazing about that is that really it achieves this in just a few scenes. Forget that the plot is hysterical, which it is, and forget about the hysterical lines, which the movie is full of. I only have to say two words to those of you that have seen these movies: dinner scenes. Enough said. Those few scenes are some of the funniest scenes in motion picture history. And Eddie Murphy plays darn near EVERYBODY at the table, and it STILL turns out as one of the funniest movies ever. I don't need to say anything more than that. "You want your colon cleansed? Fine, I'ma clean mine... [farts] There, my colon's clean; I'm talkin' squeaky clean!"

15. 40 Year Old Virgin: You know, I'm sure some people didn't like it because it was kind of filthy. Ok, it was filthy, but I love Steve Carrell's work, and this is no exception. He does such a great job playing Andy in this movie. He really shows the conflict that he's having between having sex or not, and I will mention that in the end he waits until marriage, so "Ha" to you naysayers. It still is a very funny movie. The supporting characters who actually aren't very supportive of Andy until the end are excellent. The best scene by far is when Steve Carrell gets parts of his chest waxed or the "You wanna know how I know you're gay" scene. And just so you know, that waxing scene WAS REAL. He actually got his chest waxed and they did that live in one take... I just... ouch... "You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I am a 7th degree imperial yo-yo master?..."

14. There's Something About Mary: I love Ben Stiller, and this is some of his best work. You can't beat a Farrelly Bros. movie. It's always going to be funny... unless it's Stuck On You... they could have done so much with that.. but man did it blow... Anyway, Mary is a GREAT comedy. It's got so much stuff going on and there's always a great laugh. When Stiller gets... well... stuck in his zipper... I was crying the first time I saw it. Stiller is just so good at playing the unlucky loveable loser, and this was great. Hearing Warren yell "Franks and Beans" every time he sees him makes me laugh every time I watch it. It's full of great scenes and great lines, and, uh... I don't know if you noticed, but, uh... one of the greatest quarterbacks of all time was in that movie... That gives it a few bonus points for bringin' in my boy... "My real passion is my hobby." "What's that?" "I work with retards." "...Isn't that politically incorrect?..."

13. Happy Gilmore: Now THIS is Adam Sandler at his all time best. It isn't Eight Crazy Nights and it CERTAINLY isn't Little Nicky... sweet Jesus, what was he thinking? He has some pretty good quality movies, though, and I will say that I thought Click was one of the best of the summer. I HIGHLY suggest that to everyone. I won't lie, I teared up a bit towards the end... Anyway, Happy Gilmore brings a smile to my face everytime I see it on television. One, because it's funny and, two, because the TV voice edits make it even funnier (i.e. "The price is wrong, baboon"). The best supporting characters in this movie are easily Shooter McGavin, Chubbs, and Donald the heckler. Now, I can't play golf now without hitting the ball like him once. Everybody has done it; and if you haven't and think you're too dignified to do that on a public course, don't lie to yourself... you know you want to... "During high school, I played junior hockey and still hold two league records: most time spent in the penalty box; and I was the only guy to ever take off his skate and try to stab somebody."

12. Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story: For me, this is one of those movies that gets funnier every time I watch it. I am a huge Vince Vaughn fan. And he's great in this one, but other characters really steal most of the limelight from him. Ben Stiller plays a great bad guy in this one. I love those bad guys that think so highly of themselves but are just completely moronic. Stiller plays it perfectly. Stephen Root (you know, the guy from Office Space?) is great as Gordon, Justin Long is good, even Christine Taylor has her moments, but Rip Torn... Oh, Rip Torn... he's just plain funny. It's full of classic lines and funny scenes, and it's certainly worthy of a spot on my list. "How are we going to come up with that kind of money?" "I know! We could sell blood and semen." "Gharr!?" "What? Not mixed together..."

11. Back to the Future Trilogy: These movies were my all time favorites as a kid. I still love them to this day. They are on TBS all the time, but I still have to stop and enjoy them. They are all so fun to watch. I don't care what you people may think, but I think the third one is great. There is not a weak movie in this series. Marty McFly and Doc Brown combine for a great comedy tag team. I really couldn't look at these movies and tell you my favorite parts, because I enjoy them as a whole. It's pretty funny, but it's put together so well and that makes me enjoy them, because, as I said, there's not a weak movie in the trilogy. Just the same, there is no weak moment in the movies either. I will say that one of my favorite parts in the first one is when he plays Johnny B. Goode. But then again, who doesn't love that part? "Calvin? Wh... Why do you keep calling me Calvin?" "Well, that is your name, isn't it? Calvin Klein? It's written all over your underwear."

Well, only the top ten remain! I PROMISE I'll finish the list soon. Probably tomorrow actually. I don't have much to do this week. So until then, let the debating begin!

My 50 Funniest Movies: 25-21

2006-08-08T16:19:00.000-07:00

It's now time to break into the top 25 of my 50 funniest movies. I've been doing some work the past few weeks, so I haven't been able to do this, because, well, I haven't even had time for myself. So, without further delay, I give you the top 25.

25A. Good Morning, Vietnam - Yes, I do have a tie. I didn't really know where to place these two, because they aren't my typical comedy, but they are both very good films. So, because of that, I wanted to give them a top 25 placing, but save room for others that I enjoyed a bit more. Good Morning, Vietnam to me is just a good movie in general. Robin Williams is one of the funniest people (although he can be a little overbearing at times) and he really has the chance to shine in this movie which was largely improved. It's a great comedy, and a very good movie. "Soldier, what does three up and three down mean to you?!" "The end of an inning?"

25B. O Brother, Where Art Thou? - Great movie. It's funnier every time I watch it. It's a very character driven movie, which is why it's very good, because there are some great characters in it. Tim Blake Nelson and John Turturo are unbelievably funny in it and even Clooney is great. It is an overall very good film and certainly worthy of my top 25. "Them syreens did this to Pete. They loved him up and turned him into a horny toad."

24. Major League I and II - Oh, man do I love these movies. They are hysterical. Every time they're on, I have to watch them. This movie is full of great lines and great characters. Possibly the greatest of them all is Bob Uecker as Harry Doyle. He is probably the funniest character in the whole movie. But there are others that are pretty funny as well. Pedro Cerrano is very funny and is played by an excellent actor (you fans of great television might recognize his as President David Palmer from 24). These are great movies and they're probably next on my purchase list. "The post game show is brought to you by... [searches through papers] Christ, I can't find it... To hell with it!"

23. Zoolander - I love Ben Stiller. This is such a funny movie. It's full of great moments, lines, and characters. If you love stupid humor, you will love this movie. Stiller is great as Derek Zoolander, the dim-witted male supermodel. Not only is he great, but there are so many wonderful comedic actors in it. Owen Wilson as Hansel, Will Ferrell as evil fashion designer Mugatu, and of course Stiller's father Jerry as his agent Maury Ballstein. It also has one of the funniest movie scenese of all time in it: the walk-off. So funny. A great concept and plot for a movie that worked wonderfully. This movie is great! "I became... bulimic." "[gasp] You can read minds?"

22. Ferris Bueller's Day Off - This movie inspired me. It's about one man's struggle to take it easy. Matthew Broderick played this part beautifully. He did such a great job. The movie was wonderfully written and it was just a very good comedy. The paranoid Cameron was just as funny as Ferris. Of course everybody thinks of Ben Stein when this movie is brought up, but people rarely remember the sausage king of Chicago or Cameron's call to the principal. There's much more to this film than people remember. "If you're not over here in fifteen minutes, you can find a new best friend." "You've been saying that since the fifth grade..."

21. Swingers - This movie is hysterical. It is the first comedy with Vince Vaughn and it was written, wonderfully I might add, by Jon Favreau. It's kind of a dry comedy, but I think it is very funny. Vince Vaughn is so funny, and he shows the world what's to come as far as his acting ability in comedy is concerned. Favreau is funny as well. When he calls that girl and leaves messages on her machine over and over before she finally answers and tells him to never call again... I was in tears. As far as this movie goes... It's money, baby! "What are you carrying a gun for? What, in case somebody steps to you, Snoop Dogg?"

So there's a few of the top 25. More to come soon. Until then, let the debating begin!

My 50 Funniest Movies: 35-26

2006-07-25T08:02:00.000-07:00

Time to continue the list. Thanks to Jason Bybee who got me a little traffic by plugging me on his blog. In the blogging world, him doing that is like Letterman telling people to go read it. Anyways, after this, we're on the brink of my top 25! So here we go!

35. Black Sheep - Since I was a wee lad, I have loved Chris Farley. He is one of my inspirations. I miss him and can't imagine what his movies would be like now had he gotten the chance to do some more. Anyway, this movie is great. One of my favorite parts is how he gets the help of Gary Busey to uncover the reigning Governor's evil plan. Busey jumps up there with a submachine gun and Farley does what he does best: makes an idiot of himself.

34. Liar Liar - Another guy that influenced me. This was the first semi-serious comedy role Jim Carrey ever played, and boy did he do it well. The stuff he says when he can't tell a lie is priceless. I laugh out loud at this movie every time. This is one of the first movies I really remember knowing a lot of the lines. Is it sad that I know his whole little high speed speech when he gets pulled over by the cop? I hope not. "Teacher says, 'Real beauty is on the inside'" "That's just something ugly people say..."

33. Half-Baked - Yes, it's a "stoner" movie, but man is it funny. I first saw this with several of those good friends that you can always make each other laugh a lot. That might have been what made this movie funny, but I beg to differ. It's got some great lines and the characters in it are hysterical. The fact that Kenny kills a diabetic police horse and gets sent to prison is one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and Dave Chappelle is great in it, too. "My home number's there on the back of the card... Don't call too late though, 'cause I strip in the evenings..."

32. Kingpin - The Farrelly Brothers are brilliant. Everything they touch is a hit. This movie starting Woody Harrelson and Randy Quaid is no exception. This movie makes me laugh every single time. Harrelson as Roy Munson is one of the funniest movie characters ever, but might take a back seat to Quaid's Ishmail, the naive Amish "man-boy". While it was completely disgusting, Quaid dressed up as a stripper was hillarious. And how can we forget the legendary Bill Murray as "Big Ern" McCracken... he is great as well. The best thing is how he bowls. I can't go bowling anywhere now without sticking my hand out and doing the pelvic thrust as the ball hits for a strike. This movie is great and possibly could have been a little higher on the list now that I think about it.... "Took the liberty of milkin' your cow for ya this mornin'. Sure was a stubborn one; took her a while to get warmed up, and then POW all at once!" "We don't have a cow... we have a bull..."

31. Tommy Boy - The other great Farley movie. Also might be higher on the list after further consideration. Chris Farley is a hero of mine, and boy is he funny in this one. The best part is him trying to convince everyone to buy his father's brake pads. When he sets that guy's model car on fire... priceless. Also, the other great part in this, not Spade like you might think, but Dan Aykroyd as rival car part producer Ray Zalinsky. Man, was he good in this. It's got great characters and great lines. What more could you ask for? "But why do they put a guarantee on the box?" "Because they know all they solda ya was a guaranteed piece of shit. That's all it is, isn't it? Hey, if you want me to take a dump in a box and mark it guaranteed, I will. I got spare time."

30. National Lampoon's Animal House - Ok, so a lot of people are (more than likely) going to be appalled by this, but I've put it here because (1) I was younger when I saw it and (2) I didn't think it was the funniest movie ever then. But, I did think it was pretty funny, and I'll bet if I watched it now I would love it (given another movie on my list to come later). Belushi is one of the funniest people this world has seen and he did a fine job in this movie. "Over? Did you say "over"? Nothing is over until we decide it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no!"

29. What About Bob? - One of Murray's finest roles. Poor Bob is such a nice guy, but for some reason Richard Dreyfuss' Dr. Leo Marvin just can't stand him. Murray as the lovable clueless nuisance is top notch (You gotta love Bob wearing a shirt that says "Don't Hassle Me. I'm Local"). Dreyfuss performs wonderfully as well. His total breakdown into psychosis is hysterical. But, of course, the greatest part in the whole movie is Bob accidently blowing up the Marvin's lake house. "Would you like to talk about your divorce, Bob?" "There are two types of people in this world: Those who like Neil Diamond, and those who don't. My ex-wife loves him."

28. Meet the Fockers - Sequels are rarely as good as the originals, and I think it still applies, but this one was pretty close. Stiller and DeNiro were hysterical once again, but the new additions proved to be pretty good as well. Dustin Hoffman as Greg's father and Barbra Streisand as his mom were great. I thought Hoffman was better than Streisand, but she was still pretty good. The best part, I thought, was Greg's speech at the bar when he was full of truth serum and when the baby was watching Scarface with a bottle of booze glued to his hand. Hysterical.

27. Office Space - I saw this movie for the first time about 3 months ago and it lived up to the hype, I thought. Am I the only one who really wants a "Jump to Conclusions" Mat? The whole movie is great. Having a guy in there named Michael Bolton was totally random, but man was he funny. Ron Livingston was great. The whole concept of the movie was very funny. A guy gets hypnotized to not worry (or care, really) about anything any more and before the guy can snap him out of it... HE DIES. That's just good writing right there, folks. And of course who can forget Stephen Root's performance as Milton? I don't think more needs to be said... "Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you're not feelin' real well, does anyone ever say to you, 'Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays'?" "No. No, man. S***, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man."

26. Super Troopers - Unbelievable retarded movie, but MAN is it funny. I know most of you haven't seen it probably, but it's about the state troopers who pretty much screw around and have fun on their job. They play games with people when they pull them over and just screw with folks, but their station is in danger of being closed down, so they try to make a big drug bust to save it. There are some great lines in this movie and some great characters. If you don't know who Rod Farva is, you need to check this movie out. It is a GREAT movie. "I swear to God I'm going to pistol whip the next guy who says, 'Shenanigans'." "...Hey Farva. What's the name of that restaurant you like with all the goofy stuff on the walls and the mozzarella sticks?" "You mean Shenanigans?" "OOOOOOOH!!"

There we have it, folks! We are half way home! The top 25 is coming up soon, but until then... Let the debating begin!!

My 50 Funniest Movies: 45-36

2006-07-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

Well, well, well, kiddos. I finally got my computer back, so after a long hiatus from blogging, I shall continue my list of my 50 most favorite comedies.

45. Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure - Ok, so while Keanu Reeves gets my vote for worst actor of all time, there is one thing he plays really well: the clueless idiot. That's why The Matrix got worse with each one, because after the first one, Neo was no longer the clueless "hero". Nonetheless, he's great as Ted Logan with his airhead buddy Bill S. Preston, Esquire. It is such a great movie. Whoever thought of two morons travelling through time in a phone booth is a genius.

44. The Waterboy - Adam Sandler has done some great movies, and this one is no different from the rest. Just like Keanu Reeves, Adam Sandler does a great job playing the idiot. However, in this film, he's the loveable momma's boy with an anger problem. Himself along with Kathy Bates as his mom and Henry Winkler as the head coach with some wierd issues makes this movie great.

43. Trading Places - This movie is another classic. Starring Eddie Murphy and Dan Aykroyd as two men stuck in the middle of a bet between two rich old guys testing the old theory of Nature vs. Nurture, this movie is full of laughs. One of the funniest parts is when the two stage a meeting in a train and Aykroyd acts as a Jamaican. Such a great movie.

42. American Pie - This movie was an instant classic. It's full of crazy characters, like Stifler and the Sherman-ator, crazy lines, like the flute (which completely took me by surprise), and crazy scenes, like the pie and web-cam. It was one of those great teenage movies that will always make you laugh.

41. School of Rock - Ok, I'm a sucker for Jack Black, and this is his greatest performance to date. Him "teaching" those kids how to rock was hysterical. It's got some great moments in it like when he has the kids pretend that they're dying or when he tells the parents "I've been touched by your children... and I'm pretty sure I've touched them...". The foreign kid is so funny (Don't let the man... get you down!), but that fashion designer kid freaks me out. I think his parents should be concerned about his performance....

40. Wayne's World - Wow, what a funny movie. The only successful movie based off of Saturday Night Live characters. This is such a great movie. Full of great scenes and great lines. One of my favorite parts is the car ride in the Pinto singing Queen's Bohemian Raphsody which is classic. And who doesn't want a licorice despensor stuck to the roof of their car?

39, The Naked Gun Series - Leslie Neilson is one of the funniest people ever. He showed it in Airplane! and thank the Lord he got his own movies. Lt. Frank Drebin is one of the funniest movie characters of all time. Poor O.J. (wait, what am I saying?) got hurt every five minutes in the movie and it is even funnier now. He's a terrible actor by the way. Anyway, the part with Drebin and his girl feeding each other meat and when his car rolls down the streets uncontrollably show that these movies are worthy of joining the list.

38. The Mask - Jim Carrey has been a hero of mine since I was a child, even though he kind of fell off the map as far as successful comedies are concerned (but I will give him Bruce Almighty). This movie is great. It really shows how great of a comedic actor Jim Carrey can be and even as a dramatic actor. As shy, desperate love-crazed puppy dog, Stanley Ipkiss, Carrey plays polar opposites after he finds the mask and does it with such ease. The song he sings to the cops is great as well as the scene where they're pulling stuff out of his pockets, but the last scene is the best. I love this movie. It is certainly worthy of my top 50.

37. Major Payne - This movie is extremely funny. The main reason people like the movie Full Metal Jacket is because of R. Lee Ermey making fun of his new recruits. That's what makes this movie great as well. Damon Wayans does such a good job playing Drill Instructor Major Payne. The first time he meets the cadets is one of the funniest movie scenes in my book.

36. Billy Madison - As I said earlier, Adam Sandler plays a great idiot, and Billy Madison might be the greatest of them all. This movie is so funny. Everybody in this movie is funny. Chris Farley is great as the psycho bus driver: "That Veronica Vaughn is one hot piece of AAAACE....". But this movie is great with all it's lines and characters. Crazy Carl, Ernie, Principal Anderson, the creepy maid, the penguin, Norm MacDonald and... that... other guy, they all combine to make one great comedy. "Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.". Such a great movie.

Well, there you have it, folks... numbers 45-36. Stay tuned for the rest of the list coming soon, but until then, let the debating begin!

My 50 Funniest Movies: SLIGHT delay....

2006-07-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I'm very sorry about the HUGE delay I've had on putting up my list of top 50, but my laptop has been getting fixed for quite some time now (the LCD screen started to fail which is costing me $509!!!) and the list I made is on it. I don't want to continue the list if I don't know for sure what is on it next. I should be getting in in the next week or two.

With that said, I do want to mention that I can mark two movies off of my never-before-seen list. Airplane! and The Big Lebowski. Both were hysterical. Airplane! made me cry. I laughed so hard watching that. "Have you ever seen a grown man naked??", the "drinking problem", and "I picked a bad week to stop smoking/drinking/using amphetamines/sniffing glue" are all classic parts. One line I thought was real funny was Robert Stack saying towards the end when he was talking to no one on the radio: "Have you ever... fallen down face first in the mud and been kicked in the head by a steel boot? Of course you haven't. No one has. Just disregard that last question...". Wow... so funny. There was never a dull moment. Leslie Neilson is so funny. It was great. It's a definate purchase and will go on my top 50 list after this one is completed.

As for The Big Lebowski, that's one of those movies you have to be in the right frame of mind for, but I thought it was pretty funny. There are some great characters in it. The Dude is one of the funniest characters ever. There's a lot of great moments and lines in it as well. That movie would probably go on the list as well.

Well, as soon as I get my laptop back, I'll continue the list. I'll probably do several at a time, so STAY TUNED!!

My 50 Funniest Movies: Honorable Mentions and 50-46

2006-06-16T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry, I know it's been a while. I've been REALLY busy. Just got back from church camp which was one of the most amazing experiences in my life. That's another post for another time. On to more pressing matters...

So, as I mentioned, there are some movies that I shamefully admit I haven't seen, but know they have been donned "classics". And since I know that, but a requirement was that I must have seen it, I will now list a few

Honorable Mentions:

The Jerk - I hear it's the best movie Steve Martin has ever done. I need to check this one out.

The Big Lebowski - My brother-in-law says it's one of the funniest movies he's ever seen. He's got good taste in comedy, so I trust him.

This is Spinal Tap - Another he said is good. If it started a brand new genre (the Mockumentary), it's gotta be pretty funny.

The Wedding Singer - I saw the first few minutes of this at a guy's birthday party in 7th grade and his mom made us leave. It was pretty funny up to that point...

The Princess Bride - Another movie I've only seen a few minutes of. Any movie with Andre the Giant has got to be a classic...

Monty Python & the Holy Grail - Yes. I have never seen this movie. I feel ashamed as several people have told me it tops their list. I'm just as ashamed about the next one...

Airplane! - I'm sorry... I feel like a horrible person. I've been told (especially by Jason Bybee... repeatedly) that this movie is awesome. I've got to give it a look.

With that done, I will mention that Napoleon Dynamite is not on the list, because I think it is the worst movie of all time (It doesn't meet several of my requirements). That's another discussion for another time. Now it is time to start the list!

50. Sister Act - Whoopi Goldberg in the best movie she's done. No question. Forget The Color Purple. This is her best role ever. She's so good in the movie, but we can't forget her supporting cast. The others (who's names I can't remember) were great as well. The shy one, the big loud one, the old tall one, the piano player, and of course the head nun. They were all great in the movie. I mean, who doesn't think a bunch of nuns singing oldies in the middle of Mass is funny? I certainly do.

49. The Pink Panther - No, not the new one with Steve Martin, who probably crapped all over the original. I mean the old one, with Peter Sellers as one of the best "idiots" ever. He did such a great job playing the clueless Inspector Clouseau. You couldn't have picked any one to do the job better than he did.

48. Best in Show - One of the funniest mockumentaries ever. This movie had an all-star cast and man was it funny. Every single dog owner had some kind of goofy quirk to them that just made it even funnier, because their dog was just like them. It was filled with great moments and it was able to get on this list.

47. Raising Arizona - Who knew Nicholas Cage could be funny? Of course, he did it in a very dry way, but it worked. This movie is great. Nick Cage and Holly Hunter were the absolute worst parents a child could ever have. They not only stole the child, but left him in the middle of the highway at one point. But the funniest thing in this movie could also be one of the greatest police chases ever. Cage runs from the cops, on foot mind you, with pantyhose on his head after stealing a huge thing of diapers. Wow.... Things like that got this movie in my top 50.

46. Big - When I saw this on Bravo's list, I didn't really know if you could classify it as a comedy, but the more I thought about it, the funnier I realized it was. Tom Hanks can do it all, and he's just as good at comedy as anything else. Of course you think of the piano scene in the toy store, but he did such a good job playing a really... well, big kid, and the first time you see his apartment is priceless. I want a room like that now. Pepsi machine, trampoline, pinball and arcade games, and a bunk bed ("I want on top!"). The look on her face is hysterical, and this movie is definitely a classic.

Ok, tune in for more later on. I'll be releasing some more soon, but until that time, feel free to discuss!

Bobbaganoosh, OUT!!

My Top 50 Funniest Movies of All-Time

2006-05-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

After recently watching "100 Funniest Movies" on Bravo!, I realized that the people at Bravo! are idiots. Why? Because of how they ranked certain films. Now, granted, I don't take any "top list" too seriously, as you shouldn't, because everyone's taste differs. But I have seen some people doing all sorts of top 5, 10, and even 50 lists (i.e. Jason Bybee doing "other men" in his life and a friend of his Lane that did his Top 50 Most Influential People. Amazing). So, I have decided to do one as well.

While I would love to try to sit down and figure out my most influential people, I try to have this blog be the lighter side of the blogging world, therefore, I will refrain for now. However, one thing I am passionate about is humor. I consider myself a student of the art of comedy, being fluent in many types myself. Heck, I live to make people laugh, so when someone can do the same for me, I relish it. To me, there is nothing better than a good comedy. I LOVE them. In fact, I want to write one myself and hopefully star in it, so for those interested, let me know.

Anyway, being the lover of laughs that I am, I decided to rank my Top 50 Funniest Movies of All-Time. Keep in mind that these are my favorite comedies, so you may disagree with some, most, or even all of them. That being the case, I would still like feedback, because to me, there is also nothing more fun than discussing your favorite comedies. Before I begin to list mine, which will be done in episodes consisting of 10 or 5 films each, I will tell you my criteria for selecting my favorite films. The requirements are the following:

I must have seen the film. While many people might have a similar type of humor as me, I don't want to take the word of another based on a film, because, as I stated earlier, we all have different tastes. Now, I will say that some movies that are on here I saw when I was younger, so I probably don't have as much appreciation for them as I would if I had seen them now. I must have seen the movie in it's entirety all in one sitting. So, if I haven't seen it, it ain't on here, and I'm sad to say, there are a few "classics" that I haven't seen...
Laughs. The most important of all. How many pure, straight, laugh-out-loud moments did this movie have? The bigger the laughs or more extreme the reaction (i.e. falling in the floor or crying from laughter), the higher the ranking.
Story/Plot. Yes, believe it or not, comedies DO have stories. The more interesting the concept, the better. All great comedies have great scenes that either help the plot or don't have much to do with it, but they have an ultimate goal (i.e. getting the girl or beating the bad guy).
Memorable Characters. I believe USA network said it best: "Characters are welcome". Great movies make characters that you will never forget. Characters that only have to be mentioned by their first name or a line. If I said "Yo, Adrian", you'd know I'm talking Rocky. Movies with that sort of power get a very big nod. Crazy, off-the-wall characters (i.e. Ace Ventura) tend to do very well, but your "everyman" (i.e. Gaylord Focker) can be just as funny and sometimes even better.
Movie Moments. Every great movie has at least a few of what I like to call a "movie moment". It is the first scene that comes to mind when you start to talk about a comedy, the scene that defines it and makes it immortal. You know what I'm talking about. There are some GREAT movie moments (i.e. the final game in Rudy or the last courtroom scene in A Few Good Men). The more, the better. Good movies have one, but great movies are filled with them.
Quotability. If you can't go a day in your life without quoting a line from a certain comedy, it's usually the best in your mind. It's the same for me. Discussing movie moments is great, but movie lines are universal. You can always laugh at quotes. Good lines can sometimes outweigh great moments.
Loveability. Can you watch the movie over and over, laugh every time, and it never get old? Do you have to stop flipping and watch it every time you see it on TV? Does your day brighten at the mere mention of it? Did you wait at Best Buy the day it came to DVD? If you have answered yes to any of these questions, then you know that THAT is loveability.

Those, my friends, are the requirements for my Top 50 Funniest Movies of All-Time. Stay tuned in the coming weeks to see what is #1!

Surgeon General's Warning

2006-05-01T13:26:00.000-07:00

That's what life should be outfitted with. Some kind of warning. Everything you do in life has a consequence, but you don't always know it before hand, right? Things usually turn out better when someone tells you ahead of time that what you're thinking about doing is not such a good idea. You hear them a lot when you're younger, but not so much when you're older. "Son, don't put your hand on the stove", "Son, don't run out in the middle of the street", "Son, you aren't supposed to eat that". All of these things we hear when we are children, but how come no one is there to warn us as we grow older that we are about to do something completely stupid?

I would have liked someone to have told me that eventually, sliding down the bleachers in my high school's chapel area would eventually lead to me putting a hole in the wall. I would have liked someone to have been there to tell me that in 6th grade if I indeed put that bra I found in the girls' locker room in another guy's gym bag that he would have told on me and I would do push-ups everyday in PE for a week. That would have been nice.

But, how could I have known that mom would have been really upset about practicing my cursive on the wall next to my bed? I couldn't have. Why? Because I was stupid. Yes, was stupid. Not so much any more. Don't get me wrong, I'm still stupid to some extent. And we all are stupid when it comes to certain things. Not because we are stupid human beings (although I'd say a good 1 out of every 5 people is genuinely stupid, and I might be acting generously), but because we lack expertise in a certain area, which causes us to act stupidly. Unfortunately, for some of those people, it is in their career (i.e. Hillary Clinton and Ashlee Simpson).

Here's my proposal. I think it should be included in the law to warn someone before they do something moronic. Sort of a "Good Samaratin" law. You would think that people do this in general anyway, but you would be wrong. Take a look at the examples above.

I think life should be like medicine commercials. These things are crazy! I mean, have you ever really listened to a medicine commercial? They cover every possible thing that could happen to you as a result of you taking their medicine, and the wild thing is, it may not even have to do with anything you are taking it for or it is some kind of side effect that you've never even heard of or even total opposites.

"Side effects may include headaches, drowsiness, hunger, or exploding colon."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! These are just Flinstones Chewables!"

"So, Mr. Bennett, why are you in here today?"
"Well, Doc, I've got a bad case of depression..."
"Really? Why's that? The medicine not work?"
"Oh, no. The medicine for the depression worked. I took it and didn't feel depressed any more, but then it gave me epileptic seizures and uncontrollable vomiting, which, again, just made me depressed."

Life should be like the medicine commercials. You should be informed of all possible consequences beforehand.

Along the same lines, is it the mission of white-water rafting guides to scare the crap out of you every time you set foot on a raft? I think it is, because if you've ever gone and heard the little instruction thing at the beginning, you would know that they make it sound like that, basically, if you fall out of the raft, the chances of your survival are very slim. When or if you go, you'll probably hear something like this:

"Ok. Here's how you put on your lifejacket, here's how you paddle. Now, here's the important part... if you fall out... OH, MAN... Ok... you need to put your feet downstream and cross 'em, cause if you don't, and you drag your feet, several things could happen... One, you hit a rock and break your face. You might have to eat through a straw for a while... Ok, two, your don't cross the feet and you get a river rapid enema... it might be with water, it might be with rock... Just keep 'em crossed... Ok, three, your foot could get caught in a crack in the river bed or between some rocks and the current of the river pushes your face to the bottom. If that happens, here's the likely scenarios: We could luckily find you before you drown, your leg breaks off and you float downstream, or we drag the river and find your body so you can have a respectable funeral without an empty coffin. Ok, who's ready to go raftin'!?!?!"

Mmmm... sounds like fun Rapid Guide Reggie! Let's go!

That's what I want to hear before I do something stupid. The most grim description of what could happen. The world would be a better place if we would treat each other with such respect that we look out for each other in that way. Don't you think?

Bobbaganoosh... OUT!

Tired Tuesday

2006-04-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Today on the show it was "Tired Tuesday". We discussed things we are tired of hearing or seeing or things that are just played out. So here, I will discuss with you a few things I'm just really tired of...

Item Number One: I am Tired of Earth Day

Yes, you heard me. I'm tired of Earth Day. As you all probably don't know, this past Saturday the 22nd was Earth Day. The day all hippies can get together and celebrate the fact that they have no jobs. To you tree-huggers who think everything should stop completely so every one can celebrate Earth Day, I'm just going to straight up tell you that I'm tired of Earth Day.

It's a pointless celebration to me. Why you ask? Well, in the past few weeks, we've had wildfires in Colorado, tornadoes in Nebraska, super cyclones in Australia, and earthquakes in India. Before that we had Katrina, Rita and a friggin tsunami. So, Earth, why should we give you your own day just like Veterans, Mothers, and Groundhogs, when you go and crap on us like this? We kiss your butt by naming a day after you and calling you beautiful, great, and mother. So what if we go and raise the temp on the thermostat by one degree, ONE tiny degree? You have no right to go and FLIP OUT!

Well, I've got news for you, planet earth, I'm declaring April 25 "Screw Earth Day". That's right. I want everybody to drive their 2 mile to the gallon SUVs that do nothing but spit exhaust everywhere, while you spray Aqua Net at baby seals. Look, you've thrown a lot of crap at us, Earth, but I'll tell ya right now, we ain't no dinosaurs. We aren't going down without a fight. Look, we've been to the moon and sure as heck can move there, so don't think for one second that we haven't considered it. Plus, it already has a golf resort. We've also reached Mars, so it's only a matter of time before that has been developed into middle income housing. I'll tell ya what else, Titan, that moon near Neptune doesn't look so bad either, even though the temp there is about 250 degrees F... below zero. But NASA's making space jackets, so I'm not worried.

In closing, I'd like to say that you're a wuss, Earth. You got NOTHING on us. So go ahead and have your fun, because on this day the 25 of April, I will not hesitate to drop my candy wrapper and do so with pride, so you can just cram it in your big ugly ozone hole.

Item Number Two: I'm Tired of Racism

Yes, an Alabama native said he was tired of racism. You may think I'm just talking about the black and white racial racism. Well, you would be wrong. I'm tired of racism everywhere I turn. I see all sorts of things everyday that show nothing to me but blatant disregard for our fellow man, and I know others see it as well. So I believe the following should be renamed in order to be more politically correct as well as to accomodate those with whom we share this great nation:

English Muffins
Irish Spring Soap
French Kisses
Double-Dutching
Mexican Hat Dances
Chinese Checkers
Polish Sausage
Brazillian Waxes
Russian Roulette
Canadian Bacon
Hawaiian Punch
German Shepards
Belgian Waffles
Brussel Sprouts
Italian Dressing
Japanese Beetles
Indian Casinos
Swiss Cake Rolls
African Safaris
Cuban Cigars
Jamaican Bobsled Teams
California Raisens
Columbian Coffee
Arabian Nights
Turkey Sandwiches
Bavarian Nuts
New York Style Pizza

These things have caused great distress for those which they are named after, and it's about time we say we're sorry. I think I rest my case.

Item Number Three: I'm Tired of Nick Lachey

Applause, everyone, for the man that made what scholars have recognized as the biggest mistake of all time. Someone please tell me they, too, have no pity for the man that divorced THE HOTTEST WOMAN ALIVE. I am SOO tired of hearing this guy moan and cry every chance he gets about how he still loves Jessica Simpson. I cannot believe he made an entire album about her, further proving that he is a moron for divorcing her in the first place. Nick, meet me for a little discussion at the paragraph below.....

Ok, bud, we've all made mistakes in life, but your screw up takes the cake. I mean, Nick, did you see Dukes of Hazzard? As you watch that movie and the 13 minutes that she graced the screen, I ask to you WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!?! Any woman that can pull of the Daisy Dukes and a tied up shirt that looks like a picnic table apron is worthy of the Jake Bennett Seal of Approval. I mean that woman looks like some sexy wrapped up in some GOOD LORD!

Nick, I know you realize what you did was stupid, but releasing another bad CD is not going to bring her back, pal.

Bobbaganoosh... OUT!

I'm BAAAA-AAAACK!!

2006-04-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

Holy Cow, it's been a long time! But, man, does it feel good to be back! Allow me to begin this post by explaining why it's been so doggone long:

I have been hosting a morning show here at the great University of Alabama campus radio station for quite some time. Since January 16, 2006 to be exact. Actually, Friday April 28th will be the 70th edition of The Jake and Steve Show. That's right. I have gotten up every weekday morning since January 16, 2006 to do a morning show from 7-9am CT. And it has been a blast! Many doubted that I would even get up, much less keep the show on this long. I was worried it would get a little old, but, alas, it has not. Actually (and I don't want to sound like a mother bragging on her child) it has done very well. We got an article in the paper, our audience has grown... people love it! And I love that they love it. It makes me happy to see that something I do gives others enjoyment. I feel that actually is my purpose here in life.

Of course, I couldn't have gotten to this point if it wasn't for God. Look, just like everybody else, I've done some pretty lousy stuff in my life. Things that I'm not proud of. At times, I feel bad because I know I don't give Him enough credit or praise. I haven't really gone to church in a while. I go every once in a while, but I think I have allowed my everyday life be lesson to me as well as others by the way I live. I feel that I have shown a little of Christ to others through compassion and friendliness, but mostly through my love for life. I need to go back to church. I want to go back to church. But even though I left church for a little while, I know He never left me. I now realize that my relationship with Him could be growing strong as a result of being away for a while. I thought I didn't need Him, but I just have this feeling as of late that He's the only reason I have been as successful as I have been this past school year. My mind has been changed. I am nothing without Him. It wasn't until I recently discussed my faith with another that I realized what a jerk I've been to Him. I didn't realize how much better my life had gotten since I turned it over to Him. I don't deserve what I have gotten, but I just know that I've had success this school year because of Him. Yeah, you could say it was hard work and maybe a little talent, but for it to have gotten as big as it has, it needed the help of someone much bigger. I thank Him for all that He's done for me as well as my family.

Speaking of the fam, I want to thank them as well. They have all been soo supportive through the good and bad. I want to thank my mom for giving me a big part of the personality you hear on air every morning when that intro music kicks in. She's a big part of the person that I am today, as much as I sometimes don't want to admit it. If it wasn't for her, I would not have learned the anatomy of a corny joke. Thanks, mom. I also want to thank my dad. It was from him that I learned hard work would always pay off and that it sometimes would make up for whatever talent you don't have. It was from him that I learned integrity and character. It was from him that I learned determination and perserverance. It was from him that I got my ability to crack jokes on others. I only hope to be a fraction of the man he is. Thanks, dad. I also want to thank my sisters Allyson and Amanda. If it were not for them, I would not have learned how to have patience with people I cannot stand. They taught me part of my sense of humor as well. They taught me the importance of family by always being there for me. They even helped come up with ideas for the show. They raised me just as much as anyone else, and I thank them as well. And as for my brother-in-law, Patrick... well, he's ok too, I guess. He taught me some things no one would want or need to know. (Just kidding... kind of)

Thanks to all of you and stay tuned for the next post!

Bobbaganoosh... OUT!

Things It Took Me Nearly 20 Years to Learn

2005-11-16T22:32:00.000-08:00

I have two of the greatest parents in the world. They have brought me up right (for the most part. Ha.), and love me without end. I began to think back not to long ago about growing up as a child in the Bennett household.

I'd compare it to growing up in Kosovo. Just a horrible, grief-stricken place with a dictator that oppresses his people... well, not so much. It was more like Chuck-E-Cheese. There was always plenty of food, it was fun, and the management would prefer that you clean up after yourself. Life was pretty good in the Bennett home, and now that I'm away from it, I can't help but think back to it.

There was a lot of advice that my parents tried to impart on me in my time at home. Most of it resembled something along the lines of "Stay low and use your hands more" or "Squeeze down to the A gap when that guard goes to the inside to pick up the linebacker, take on the trap block, and make the tackle", which I did quite well, might I add. Nonetheless, there were several things that my parents taught me. Two that I vividly remember are "Tough times don't last; tough people do", "If you don't start a fight, then you'd better finish it", and "Character is what you do when no one's looking".

All of this, I will take with me for the rest of my life, but there are some things I have learned or figured out on my own. Some was in high school and some has been in college. I feel that, while these may seem like ridiculous or trivial things, they are certainly things that should at least be kept in mind. So I present you with

Things It Took Me Nearly 20 Years to Learn:

No one will be able to give you a plausable explaination of why we have to observe Daylight Savings Time.

Never ever, ever, imply to a woman that you think she may be pregnant unless you see the child coming out of her at that moment.

Unless you become an engineer, you will never need Algebra for anything.

For English or Literature teachers, it is impossible for someone to just want to write a book. They always mean something different than they actually say.

It is possible to make a pretty good grilled cheese sandwich in the microwave.

No matter how old you get, a good fart will always make you laugh.

A football fan in the stands truely thinks he knows more than the coach that was hired to do the job, but rarely knows more than positions and 5 different penalties.

Cleanliness is all just a matter of how bad it smells.

Every game is a potential upset. You either win or you feel upset.

It is in a mother's genetic code to tell bad jokes and embarrass you around girls.

Ketchup goes on anything.

There is no logical reason to have braille on drive-thru ATMs.

Every bad word ever can be referred to by its first letter and everyone knows what you're talking about.

As far as guys are concerned, if you don't like football or their team, that automatically makes you gay.

You always hear people say the greatest feeling in the world is having a child, but then hear them complain about all the stuff that involves keeping one. (i.e. late night feedings, all the crying, etc.)

It is impossible to sit through and complete one full game of Monopoly by the rules.

No male will admit to liking the Backstreet Boys. Not even one song.

Deviled eggs smell horrible.

Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative in the same night.

These are just a few of the things I have learned on my own over the years. If I think of more, I'll most certainly put them on here in addition to those above. Until then,

Bennett...OUT!

"And a Good Time Was Had By All..."

2005-11-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

So it has been a really long time since I've written on here, I realized that. I've been really busy with all sorts of stuff, so I haven't been able to find the time to write on here.

First of all, I want to thank everyone for the calls, the cards, and the food that you have given me and my family after the recent loss of my grandmother, my mom's mom, Wanda Dashner. She really meant a lot to all of us, and especially me, because she was the only grandmother I had ever had. She was a special lady, and I loved and still love her dearly. If you visited me or talked to me while it was going on and I seemed short with you or uncaring that you did, I apologize. I have never dealt with the death of a family member before and certainly not one as close as my grandmother.

Me and my family made a lot of good memories while she was with us here, and that's why I'm writing this blog. I feel that, in honor of her and my grandfather, I have no choice but to do something I have never done on this blog before. I will fearlessly reach deep into my vault of great and funny memories and open for the first time ever to my blog readers:

"The Jack and Wanda Files"!

For those of you who don't know me or don't know what I'm talking about, I shall explain. "The Jack and Wanda Files" have been compared to Aesop's Fables. They have been heralded by many and relished by those who have been lucky enough to have their ears graced with such a story as those in these files. They, quite simply, are stories about my grandparents, Jack and Wanda.

I have but two stories, and they are rather short. They may not be that funny to you, but if you know them, you'll love it.

Story 1:
I was enjoying a nice evening over at my grandparents one day. I had just dropped by to visit, because I hadn't seen them in a while. It started as just another visit with the ol' grandparents. Just making small talk about how school and football were going. Well, Grandma disappeared into the kitchen for a few minutes and walked out with every man's Achilles heel: Krispy Kreme doughnuts. This is when the trouble began. Grandma was a diabetic and she said that she thought she could "get some doughnuts without the icing on them". Well, Granddad looked up from the doughnut he started gnawing on and turned to Grandma.

"Icing? You mean the glazed on the doughnut?"

"No, I mean the icing."

"Wanda, you do know that it's called glazing, right?"

"No, it's not, Jack. It's called icing."

"No, it is not, Wanda."

"Yes, it is too, Jack." Well, that's where I thought it would end until I heard Grandma add, "I'll prove it to you!"

I thought "Oh, no... this should be interesting...". I didn't know how Grandmother planned to prove her point but then I saw her reach for the phone. I thought she was going to try to call my mom or aunt Susie to see if they agreed with her... I could not have been more wrong.

"Thank you for calling Krispy Kreme, how may I help you?"

"Yes, what do you call the stuff on a glazed doughnut?"

"Umm... excuse me, ma'am??"

"The stuff on a glazed doughnut... what is it called?", Granddad shouted over the speakerphone.

"Umm, glazing?..."

"HA! I told you, Wanda."

I was dumbfounded. I could not believe that my grandmother had just called Krispy Kreme to find out what that was called. What I really couldn't believe was how they continued to argue with each other over the speakerphone while Krispy Kreme was still on the phone. This went on for about 20 minutes it seemed before they all the sudden hung up on Krispy Kreme and started watching FOX News again like it had never happened. It took every ounce of self-control to keep from exploding with laughter. It was one of the funniest things I have ever seen my grandparents do.

Story 2:
This is much shorter than the last.

It was Christmas Eve in the Dashner house just a few years back. My family and I would always go over to my grandparents for Christmas Eve and exchange gifts with the rest of the family and stuff our faces with some great food. We would not have seen some of the family since Thanksgiving or longer, so we would usually sit around the table and reminisce for an hour or longer.

When you don't see each other for a while, you usually tell stories that you've heard a thousand times but never get old. It happens every time, and this is exactly what we were all doing. All of the family were just sitting around talking amongst themselves about different things, but Grandmother was kind of sitting to herself not saying much. This was rather unusual considering that Grandma, like myself, enjoys being the center of attention.

Well, allow me to say that I did not expect what was to come. None of us were talking about my uncle Dean, none were talking about medical conditions of any kind whatsoever, and none were talking about anything remotely similar to what was about to be said. Grandmother just kind of sits up in her chair and loudly proclaims:

"Yeah, Dean had hemorroids once..."

I left the room. I couldn't help it. I had to leave so that I could laugh hysterically. I have never witnessed such an awkward silence in my entire life.

And there you have it. Two of the classics from the "Jack and Wanda Files". As long as I live, I will never forget those two stories. My grandparents are great. My grandmother was one of the sweetest ladies to ever walk the earth, and my granddad is one of the coolest people ever. I can't say enough to describe how great they are. One example was the gifts they gave. They gave the best Christmas presents ever, but they cared more about seeing everyone else open their gifts than they were about getting their own. They are responsible for a lot of great memories in my life, and I love them dearly. I thank them for everything they have ever done for me. Thank you, Grandma and Granddad.

"Every memory of looking out the back door
I had the photo album spread out on my bedroom floor
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye
Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
It's hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye...
You can’t erase
You can’t replace it
I miss it now
I can’t believe it
So hard to stay
Too hard to leave it
If I could relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change
Look at this photograph
Every time I do it makes me laugh
It’s hard to say
It’s time to say it
Goodbye, Goodbye" - Nickelback

You were a great woman, Grandma, and all I can say to you and about you now that you are no longer with us is something you would say after every family trip we took. Your time with us can only be summed up by it: "And a good time was had by all..."

I Love You, Grandma...

Bennett, out...

In Honor of Wanda Morris Dashner
December 6, 1925 - November 1, 2005

Blog Survey

2005-10-12T22:33:00.000-07:00

Well, I know I haven't written anything in a while, but I try not to really force any writing. I just let something inspire me to write something, so that's why nothing's been on in a while, and besides, I didn't think many people read this thing anyway. Well, to my surprise, when I returned home this past weekend, I found out that a lot of people do read this. Well, if that's the case, then I would like to see how many. At the bottom of this entry, it should say how many comments there has been. If you look at this and have read it, then click the link next to it and make a comment saying that you do.

Also, I thought something that would be kind of cool would be even taking suggestions for things to write about. So, if you have any ideas, such as things you'd like my opinion on or something that annoys you (since that's something I write about quite a bit), then let me know in the comments or email me at BigJake21531@yahoo.com and put "Blog Idea" as the subject. Keep in mind I usually write about off the wall or random things, but I like to write about personal experiences as well, so if you know me and remember a funny story, then send that to me too. I might start doing a "flashback" post every so often. Lord knows a lot of weird stuff has happened to me in my life.

I know this may seem like a stupid idea to you, but it'll help me write stuff more often on here for those who enjoy reading this. If you like reading this stuff, then tell your friends, because I enjoy writing this stuff. To all of you that read this, thanks so much, I appreciate it. So, again, just add a comment saying you read this blog so I can see how many people read it, and SPREAD THE WORD!

Bennett...OUT!

Like Father, Like Son....

2005-09-23T14:37:00.000-07:00

Ok... I finally admit it... I am becoming my father. That's something that, as a younger teenager, you never want to happen. Not because it wouldn't be cool to be just like your dad, but... ok, yeah because it wouldn't be cool to be just like you dad. But the thing is, it's not even a bad thing, you just want to be your own person and do your own thing, right? I mean, my dad's totally cool, and if I could become half the man he is, I would be lucky. But there's just those things about your parents that you say to yourself, "Lord, I don't ever want to be like that. Please tell me I don't have those genes..." It's true! We all do it, so don't sit there reading this with a "What a disrespectful, resenting, typical teenager" look on your face.

Is it wrong that when I turn 50 I don't want to laugh so hard that I nearly wet my pants? NO. Do I want to have to turn the TV volume almost 3/4 of the way up to hear a war movie? Of course not. Unless it's on surround sound or something. Do I want to be known in the light that my mom, "Teri: Queen of the Corny Joke", is? Uh, I'll answer that with a resounding NO. Am I afraid that will happen? You bet I am.

But I can already see it happening to an effect. Not the corny joke thing, thank God, but other stuff. Especially with regards to my dad. What are these things, you ask? I'll tell you. First, all those years of making fun of my dad's "hair peninsula" has gotten me one of my own. Yes, at the ripe old age of 19 I am starting to experience male pattern baldness. I give myself 10 years tops before I become George Castanza or Ron Howard bald.

I think also, my hearing has become like my father's. You see, alot of people mistake him for being hard of hearing. I simply think he pays attention to what he wants to. That's what I do. If I don't care about anything you're talking about, I simply won't listen. That mixed with the fact that we both think we have ADD doesn't make it any better. We always have to be doing something. We can't just stand there and talk. We have to use hand motions and move all over the place. So, no, we aren't hard of hearing, we just don't care to listen to you at that particular moment.

I mean, why do you think he always has to get my mom to repeat herself? HIGH OH! But I digress.

But here's the one glaring similarity I now share with my dad. I used to say how it didn't matter where he went, he always saw someone he knew. No joke. He and my mom won a trip to Cancun and he saw someone there. Rediculous. Well, that has become me now. But it's not just that. Just like him, 50% of the people I see, I have no clue who the heck they are. I really don't. I mean I obviously should know them if they know me, but I don't. And, it's certainly not like one of those cases where people wave to celebrities like they know them. I mean, I am Jake Bennett, but c'mon... I'm not a celebrity.

That's bad isn't it? I'll tell you, that's one of the most awkward situations you can be in right there. They come up to you saying, "Hey, Jake! How's it goin'?". All I can ever muster is, "Hey!... you!". That's embarrasing. And what's worse is you try to play it off. You use all the typical words like "man" and you throw in a "dude" here and there. It's so awkward.

The hardest thing though is trying to figure out their name. I mean, it's easy if you have a friend, because they can introduce themselves and you can figure it out that way. Of course, there are those friends that don't get a clue and you have to introduce them so you mumble their name real quick so they don't catch it and have to ask. But if you don't have a friend, you gotta be real creative. Sometimes I start a generic story like, "Man, I was just thinking the other day about that one time that we just couldn't quit laughing about. When what's-his-name was being so stupid. You remember?". AHH! I hate doing that. I'll sometimes look to see if any article of clothing has a name on it and I'll just go with that. Or I'll ask if they have pictures of a girlfriend or family or something, hoping to catch a glimpse of a driver's license.

Finally when you figure out what it is, you start using it in every sentence to try to make up for the fact that you forgot. "So, how's the family, Will?", "Been a long time, hasn't it, Will?", "Nice hat, Will. Where'd ya get it?", "Are you serious, Will?", "Get outta town, Will", "Yeah, Will, things have been good".

That's the other thing. If you see someone you haven't seen in a while, it'll either be a quick, pointless convorsation or the longest one you've ever had. But they can usually be pretty good. It's the short ones that I hate. You haven't seen them in so long you ask stupid general questions like, "So, how are...things?".

Two things can happen here. You get either "Ah, pretty good." or the floodgates open.

Those are the ones that have been waiting for 5 weeks for someone to ask them that and need someone to talk to, and then it gets really awkward. Can you imagine, "Yeah, it's been so-so. Grandma just passed away and Janet tried to kill herself, but luckily, she drank so much alcohol she started puking and all the pills came back up, so... And then mom and dad got in a HUGE fight and separated for a while. Uncle Frank was thrown in jail for armed robbery. Yeah, he took a shotgun into the Kwik-Mart after the factory let him go, and his wife took the kids and left him after that. But he only got 20 years with parole cause he didn't really mean to shoot the guy behind the counter, so it wasn't that bad. We get to see him on Fridays. How about you?" You don't want to make them feel bad so you say something like, "I did have a really good smoothie the other day, so things have gone well."

Man... I tell you what. It is hard to be a people person sometimes. Especially dealing with people who go through stuff like that. I guess the only thing I could do is tell them to hang in there and leave them with words from my father, "Tough times don't last; tough people do."

I guess when I think about, it's not that bad that I'm like my father. He's got a lot of good qualities. The good certainly outweighs the bad. I just hope I don't get that ugly...

Bennett... OUT!

Ode to an Appendage

2005-09-19T15:09:00.000-07:00

There's times in one's life where something unexpected happens. Most of the time its a good thing. Like when you put that coat on that you haven't worn in two years, because it's never cold in Alabama and you find 10 bucks in your pocket. Or when you get a Jeep Wrangler for Christmas instead of that remote-controlled airplane your parents lead you to believe you were getting (Another story for another time... moving on...). There are numerous examples.

However, there are some bad ones. Family members die, friends leave, things in life come to an end. But, there are those moments in life that make you do a double take. Those times where you say, "What tha...?". Well, that happened this weekend.

I thought I was the biggest wuss in the world for going to the emergency room for a stomach ache. I mean, that just reeks of wimp, doesn't it? Of course it does. So I get in there and I'm thinking it's going to take forever, because there's got to be those people with body parts missing or a screwdriver in their head. Ya know, someone with a Tim Taylor injury. I figured "Fat guy with stomach ache" would be low in the pile. Well, I was wrong.

I got back there as soon as I walked in. The whole time the nurse was questioning me, I could just see her starting to ask if I had too many Tootsie Rolls. I told her I was surprised I was getting back here this quick and then made the screwdriver comment. She said it was ironic that I brought that up since a guy had come in earlier that day with a metal pole in his butt. Wow... and I thought I had problems. Yes, I typed that correctly, by the way. Metal pole. Butt.

Last time I checked, there's this little thing called doctor-patient confidentiality. But I could be wrong... moving on...

So I get to the back and they put me in a room, tell me to take my shirt off and put on one of those half aprons, half moo-moo deals. You know, the ones that look like they were taken off of a double-wide's deck furnature. Yeah, so being in pain wasn't enough; they decided to demoralize me as well. So, some one comes in to take my vitals and says the doctor will be in in a minute. Let's review some basic hospital math:

1 Minute = Length of 2 Coffee Breaks + 3(Person's Maximum Allowance of Patience)
- or -
1 Minute = Roughly 1 Hour and 15 Minutes

So after the pain had gotten worse, the doctor decides she might want to come check on me. She asks me the questions that I had already been asked 43 times by 6 different people, pushes down on a few spots on my stomach and concludes that the pain has come from somewhere in the stomach region. Thank you, Dick Tracy. 10 years of medical school has told me what I knew 6 hours ago.

So, she finally says she thinks it's my appendix. She says she'll have a blood test and urine test run and if that doesn't show anything, she'll order a CT Scan. She also tells me what I really wanted to hear, "I'll have someone come in and give you some pain medicine". God bless you, Doc, God bless you. As soon as I get excited about the pain medicine, I remember hospital math. Of course it happened again. I guess they thought a 6'3", 285 pound male who has dealt with pain all his life was just pretending that it felt like something was about to burst through his stomach and that he didn't really need the pain killers as bad as he had let on.

So, after another hour and 15 minutes, my guardian angel comes in: Camie. She took my blood and gave me pain medicine. I could have asked her to marry me. I may have while on the medication now that I think about it. So, after X-Rays, taking blood, peeing in a fancy milk jug, drinking over half a gallon of really bad medical lemonade, a CT Scan, and 7 hours they decide to admit me and remove my appendix. If you thought that's where it stopped being bad, you were wrong.

I get to the "staging area" for the surgery and wait for another 2 hours before I go in. I'm not gonna lie, I was pissed. They finally wheel me into the operating room and the next thing I remember is halftime of the Florida-Tennessee game, which was much later in the day. Apparently I asked a nurse if doctors watch doctor shows. Apparently I got really mad that I couldn't pee after surgery. Apparently I told everyone I had a huge craving for fried chicken and birthday cake. Like I said, apparently this all happened. I don't remember it at all.

I do remember that I was sick and tired of eating chicken broth and jello at every single meal. I do remember the nurses and doctor neglecting to inform me that, during the surgery, a catheter would be put in and that the first time I took a leak would feel like I was passing a razor blade. Here's one thing I don't understand about the whole ordeal... Why in God's name did the nurses wake me up to give me a friggin' sleeping pill? Why? What is the matter with you? I'm already asleep; leave me alone!

Here's something else that gets on my nerves. You don't need the appendix, so why is it in my body? It serves no purpose whatsoever. It doesn't need to be there. The only thing it does, is aggravate the crap out of you. It's there to piss you off and give you the worst pain you've ever imagined. Aren't you glad to have an appendix? I'm glad it's there to regulate my heartbeat, or breakdown harmful materials that come from my digested foods, or protect my body from harmful substances. Oh, wait... it doesn't do that? Then screw the appendix; I don't want one. Lemme tell you, friends, the appendix will turn on you. It'll turn on you like the mob turns on a tattler. It's up to no good, and I'm glad it's gone.

The whole weekend was a trip. One that I don't suggest anyone taking. The only good things that came out of it was a goodie bag that I haven't gotten yet and pain medicine that doesn't stop the pain. So, to those who get a stomach ache, be careful, you could have my weekend.

Bennett... OUT!

Alarm Clocks, Jeopardy!, and Public Urination

2005-09-16T19:34:00.000-07:00

Ya know, over the years, we've began to rely on machines quite a bit. We use them because they aren't supposed to make a mistake, right? Explain to me how we can send man to the moon, but we can't wake some one up in time for something important. There have been maybe 3-4 accidents in NASA's history, but everyday you see people showing up late to places because their stupid alarm clocks don't work.

Why is it that we can't master the alarm clock technology to work when we need to work? It has happened to everybody. You wake up late because your alarm clock doesn't go off. I'm so tired of this happening. All I want is for them to be consistant. People in the scientific world want to create some sort of artificial intelligence. Well, they need to look no further than the alarm clock, because apparently it can decide on its own whether or not you really need to wake up.

How does that happen? You tell it when to start making that loud, obnoxious noise to scare you awake, but sometimes, it decides not to. It has happened where it just won't go off, and it gets on my nerves. I hope my grandmother's pacemaker doesn't decide to take a day off. But you don't just see it with alarm clocks, a lot of things just don't work sometimes too.

What about escalators? Why is it everytime I go to a mall at least one of these things isn't working? You see the "Temporarily Out of Order" signs, but they should really say, "Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Inconvenience." I tell you what I really love. I love when my phone decides that even though I have full reception I can't complete a call. I live for that, man. It's great. As far as I'm concerned, it's about time for Cingular to live up to it's motto and raise the freakin' bar, because it sucks.

I'll tell ya what's just as fun, how 'bout when your computer gets tired of doing what you tell it to do, huh? I'm talking about when it'll sit there for 5 minutes trying to start up Word or Solitare. Or when you have a fast internet connection and it's just like, "Nah... I'll do it in a few..." I can't stand that.

How fun is Jeopardy! by the way? The people on there are the most intelligent people in the world..... when it comes to useless crap that will get you nowhere in life. But how good do you feel when you get one of those questions right? Sure, you won't get one in the "Guatemalan Insects" category, but you'll get one right from time to time in the ones about movies or TV. And you always have those goobers who ask Alex "May I have Potent Potables for 400?". Why do they do that? He's not gonna say, "You know what? No. You can have 19th Century Queens for 800".

Anyways, back on subject.

So, the case of public akwardness I ordered finally came in today. Couldn't have been better timing, either, considering the occurance of the alarm clock fiasco.

Ok, there are just some unwritten rules in life that we, as human beings, must follow in order not to be bothersome to the rest of the race. The most sacred of all unwritten rules usually are between men. (i.e. Wedding Crashers' Rule 67: Don't make excuses. Play like a champion.) The most sacred of them all come in the bathroom. Urinal rules are the same as movie theater seat rules. There is always a one seat buffer, so there is always a one urinal buffer, too. If you must stand next to someone, you either wait your turn or go to a stall. Why are there those guys that feel obligated to give you company while you're taking a leak? We aren't like some women that require a minimum of 4 people to go to the bathroom them, so I don't want you standing next to me making small talk while I'm trying to use the john.

I especially can't stand when those guys tall guys come up next to you. I mean, I'm 6'3" and can see over those little dividers, but I sure as heck don't make a habit of looking over at another dude's johnson. So, it's a little weird when some guy comes over that kinda tall and keeps on looking at you. Can you say awkward? And why do some guys consider it a challenge to pee louder than the guy next to them? Those guys always come in and try to pee as loud as they possible can as if they're trying to make some kind of statement. What is wrong with you people? Just take a leak, wash your hands and leave. Don't stand next to me, do not talk to me if you don't know me, and you sure better not take the slightest peek over that divider unless you want to (a) get the crap beat out of you or (b) feel bad about yourself.

Bennett...OUT!

A Blast From the Past

2005-09-12T12:12:00.000-07:00

So, this weekend couldn't have gone any better. Alabama won AGAIN. The upsets I picked in college football actaully happened (Congrats to my boy Nic on his 'clones beatin' the Hawkeyes). Actaully, it could have gone better. The Packers lost. (TEAR...) But the Vikings lost, so I'm good. This random woman me and Stephe sold raffle tickets to invited us over to her tailgate party afterwards for anything we wanted. A smorgusboard of delectable treats and beverages all for free! Life was good, my friends. The friends were great, the food was great the music was great. It was all good!

Speaking of music, what's the deal with these people on AIM or on their blog deals that put what they are "Currently Listening To"? Is this so you can have some connection to the person a think, "you know, I, too, am listening to a song"? No one cares about what you are "currently listening to". If it ties in to what you have to say, then I can understand; that's cool. But putting it as a sidebar is dumb. That's like stopping in the middle of a conversation with somebody and saying, "I really like Cheese-Its". It's pointless. Hey, guess what. I'm listening to "Jump" by Kriss Kross right now, but do you care? No, but I'll bet you'll go download that song now. Who doesn't love 80s one hit wonders? They were not only that, but they were THIRTEEN. I wish I could spit rhymes that good at 19.

But, moving on.

Free food, good friends, and a great weekend of college football weren't the only things that made this weekend so golden. No, no, no, my friend. I was sitting with my boys Jazz and THE Kyle Murphy and we began talking about the good 'ol days. Yes, I think I'm plenty old enough to talk about what it "used to be like". We've done this before, but it always comes back to one thing. One common ground between the three of us that always makes us laugh when we talk about it. We always get so excited about it, because it was cool when we were growing up.

No, it's not Ninja Turtles, although they were rediculously cool. It wasn't Double Dare, the greatest kid's game show of all time. It wasn't old school Nickalodeon, complete with "Hey, Dude", "Salute Your Shorts", "All That", and "Are You Afraid of the Dark?". Nope. While those are great, that wasn't it.

We talked about "The Excellence of Execution", casket matches, Austin 3:16, and the Hell in a Cell. Yes, professional wrestling. How great was that stuff when you were younger? It was sooo cool then. And, I'm not going to lie, it's cool now. Not the stuff that's on now, but the old stuff is still cool, because it was then to you. We started talking about it and decided to go to the crap movie stores that are 1/3 movies, 1/3 tanning beds, and 1/3 age restricted, because those are sure to have them, right?

These are the sketchiest places I have ever been to in my life, but I'll tell ya, I had a blast. We finally found one that had some. We bought 4 tapes. They were only 11 bucks all together. We were a little disappointed we couldn't find a Royal Rumble or a King of the Ring, but we got over it.

I didn't fully appreciate how much I enjoyed these things until we watched them. They rocked. It was a blast. We saw Hogan and Warrior take on Sgt. Slaughter and two of his goons. Plus, Razor Ramon and Ric Flair vs. Macho Man Randy Savage and Mr. Perfect. and we saw Bret "The Hitman" Hart win the Intercontenental Title and defend his World Heavyweight Title against Shawn Michaels in another. It was SO much fun. You can't beat the old stuff. It was cheesy and great.

Quite possibly the two best lines of the night were when Big Boss Man had just beat The Mountie in a "Jailhouse Match" where the loser spent the night in jail. Boss Man said this verbatum: "What kind of bird can't fly? A JAILBIRD! That's what kind, Mean Gene." He said this with the most serious face anyone could have ever mustered saying that line. I lost it. How rediculous and unintimidating is that? The other one had to have been when Bobby "The Brain" Hennan said of Ultimate Warrior, "This guy makes coffee nervous." How stupid. I ate it up. It was great.

Ah, what wonderful times. When Stone Cold Steve Austin and Vince McMahon were bitter rivals and fought every chance they got. When Mick Foley got thrown off the top of a 20 foot cage onto a table by the Undertaker and was unconcious for 5 minutes and wheeled out on a stretcher before he got off and climbed back up to the top to keep fighting, only to be chokeslammed through the top and then onto a bag of thumbtacks he brought to the ring. What about that guy "Tatanka" who was the American-Indian that came out with the eagle feathers? I just remembered that guy. He was so goofy. He never won a title, nor will he ever be able to thanks to the sactions passed by the NCAA. The poor guy won't be able to get in to a bowl game with a name like Tatanka. What about when Val Venis had a rivalry with Ken Shamrock, because Val dated Ken's sis? It was all great and all rediculous. After watching those last night, I've discovered... man, I miss old school WWF...

Bennett...OUT!

Reaffirmation

2005-09-04T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, don't know if you kids heard, but, uh... ALABAMA WON LAST NIGHT!!

Very exciting. More so than it needed to be against the Blue Raiders of MTSU. My throat still hurts today from all the yelling. Before the game and after the game was a blast, and the game was good too. Like I said, a little closer than I wanted, but it was a win.

So, as I stood through the game last night, I further have proof that my last post was not off the mark whatsoever.

The University of Alabama has the greatest fans in the world...... outside of the stadium. Inside the stadium, they suck. You couldn't get them excited about anything. It's rediculous. When your team is on offense, typically you want them to be able to hear. So don't yell while they are on offense. When MTSU was on defense, you could have heard the players breathe.

It's sad that that's the case since Bryant-Denny is rich with tradition and pride, but the fans don't even seem to care about it. And don't give me some bullcrap about, "Well, it's hard to get excited about playing a team like MTSU". That's a load of crap. It's hard to get excited about anything when you're wearing a friggin' suit and tie or a dress to a football game. This ain't a cocktail party, folks; it's southern football. You are supposed to be blowin' the roof off the place. And don't tell me it was difficult to get excited, it was the first game of the year! Don't tell me fans and students have been waiting for 9 months to come stand in Bryant-Denny Stadium and talk on their cell phone. Those guys suck, by the way. Why don't you stay home to talk to your girlfriend who didn't care enough about Alabama football to buy tickets until it was 3 weeks into August to try to get them reserved?

These fans made it sound like they were at the dentist's office for a root canal. Did you see the "Fan of the Game"? That guy was painted from head to toe... literally. Where are those guys? Can someone tell me why South Carolina fans are better than ours? They haven't had anything to cheer about for years, and don't tell me it's because of Spurrier. Nobody actually likes the guy. What about LSU fans? I know you're probably sick of hearing me talk about these guys, but they are the ideal fans for football. The ones that yell the whole game at the right time. The ones that don't wear a freakin' tie or dress to the game. The ones that are SO loud that teams have had to use all their timeouts halfway through the 2nd quarter.

Why can't we have these fans? I am begging the Tide Nation to become these fans. You see all the nutjob fans outside (I use that in a very loving way, because those are the best fans... EVER). The ones that yell "Roll Tide" to every single person that passes, whether they're Bama fans are not, are all on the outside of the stadium. I want to bring that atmosphere inside. And I know some are thinking (insert nagging old lady voice) "Well, I came to watch a football game, not to see a bunch of hooligans". If you came to watch a football game, sell your ticket outside and go home, because you can watch it there. If you came to be loud, support your team, and screw up the other one, then by all means, make yourself at home.

As far as fan criticizm goes, if you know what your talking about, go right ahead. But to those who get pissed everytime Shula doesn't go for it on 4th and 7, SHUT UP. You're an idiot. If you yell about something like the offensive line isn't creating a big enough push to get a running game started against the 108th ranked defense in the nation last year or that there's no penetration on the defensive line or that you thought that there should have been a cover 2 with two safties to stop the downfield passing attack, then you obviously know what you are talking about. So, to you fans that get mad at those people, welcome to a football game.

To you greeks out there, do something new. Don't make your rookies wear a coat and tie to the game. How stupid. If you want to "initiate" them, make them have to either dress up crazy in a bunch of Bama gear or bring a sign to the game. You are part of the reason our student section is a joke. How do you expect them to get crazy in friggin' business attire? Cause I sure as hell know that not all of them are hopped up on the Jack Daniels and Jim Beam you sneaked in. Let's do something new, please, because I know you guys could make the student section SO much better with very little effort.

So to the Bama fans at the game, I hope you do better next week, because last night, you got a big ole F.

Bennett... OUT!

Bryant-Denny Stadium: The Greatest (Fashion) Show on Earth...

2005-09-01T12:16:00.000-07:00

Do you smell that? AH! It's football season!

"It's the most wonderful time of the year!!!"

Ok, so, if you didn't know, huge football fan. I mean that on two levels: I love the game and I'm 6'3" 280lbs. Not proud of that last statistic right now, but I'm working on it. I've just got to learn that just because Coke C2 has half the calories doesn't mean I can drink twice as much. How good is that stuff? You can't even tell the difference. As a larger gentleman you would think I could, right? Wrong. Nothing. No difference. It's all good.
Really, I'm on a Capri-Sun and Kool-Aid kick right now. Everyone seems to return to childhood at some point in their life. I, simply, have taken out the "middle-man" so to speak and have stayed here all together. There's nothing I love more than coming home after a hard day full of classes, sitting in front of my television in my recliner, and cracking (or rather stabbing or puncturing, or... whatever...) an ice cold Pacific Cooler Capri-Sun. Man, those are good...

Anyway, moving on...

So, it's football season. I love it. I can't get enough of football season. If you see a football laying around, grab it for me because you know I love some football. What's your favorite time of year, Christmas season or football season? (raises hand) Um, yes, Mr. Bennett? Umm... football season? CORRECT!

Since I could breathe, I've been exposed to football. I'm pretty sure that the day after I learned to walk, I was taught a three-point stance.

So, your next question is, "If you love it so much, why don't you marry it", right? Of course not. And how stupid is that insult, by the way? That's like "What you say is what you are" or "No, you" or just saying "Your mom" or really anything relating to the mother. But, I digress.

No, I was thinking you were going to ask something along the lines of what my favorite teams are. To answer that fine question, I'll tell you I'm a Green Bay Packers fan and an Alabama Crimson Tide fan. Now, we're back on track with what I wanted to talk about. The greatest people on earth have to be the die-hard, take a bullet for the coach, grilling in -20 degree weather with my shirt off and chest painted football fan. These people are the greatest. They are always the ones you want to be sitting next to at the game. They're loud, they're funny, they are so much fun. And the ones that are even better are the crazed college students in their student section.

Having said that, I have a word or two to say about the student section at Bryant-Denny Stadium: It sucks. Yes, that's a huge step out, but I felt I had to say it. Your typical student fans at a Bama game are dressed like they're going to a Homecoming dance in Middle School. It seems like going to a Bama game has turned into a social activity or a fashion show. Sure, the Tide hasn't been as good recently as they were in the past, but does something like that matter to Oakland Raider fans? I'll answer that with a resounding NO. 3rd and 4, the Tide's on defense leading by 6 with 5 minutes left to play and there's slight chatter among the crowd. Where's the student section, you ask? I'll bet 10 bucks they are back at the frat house doing keg stands and watching highlights from the USC game on ESPN.

Where will you find a better student section? Go to any college football game. On second thought, go to an SEC football game (with the exception of maybe of Ole Miss, because I think they may be a little worse). Where do you find fans like these guys to the right? I'll tell you where, LSU. They sure aren't from Alabama. Now, don't get me wrong; I'm not saying Alabama fans are bad fans. I'm saying that they aren't as good as they could be. The students in particular. Bama fans are usually loud, faithful, and travel very well. But why don't teams fear coming into Bryant-Denny Stadium to play the Crimson Tide? Why doesn't the term "home field advantage" hold any weight for Alabama anymore? I firmly believe it all starts with the fans. People have such a hard time going to an LSU or a Michigan because the fans aren't only loud, they are very distracting. That's what makes it hard for players.

With that said, I have a dream. I have a dream where crazed Alabama fans will fill the student section. I have a dream where teams will fear coming to Bryant-Denny Stadium once again. I want to see Storm Troopers, Spidermen, sign holders, and kids with their enitre upper body painted that don't stop screaming until they go to bed that night fill the stands. I want to see more and more people out in the Quad grilling brats and screaming at every fan of the opposing team that passes by. I want the Black Hole of the Oakland Raiders or the Dog Pound of the Cleveland Browns to come to the University of Alabama. People may reject it at first, but then I think they will realize how much fun it is to act like a fool on Saturdays in Bryant-Denny and join in.

Of course, the biggest thing one must do to make something like this happen is to practice what they preach. So, this is what I'm going to do this year at all Crimson Tide home football games. If you are reading this and your going to be at a Bama home game in the student section, join me in acting like a complete moron. I'm tellin' you... it's gonna be a BLAST! Roll Tide, Baby! Roll Tide!

Bennett... OUT!

People I Respect (...and some I don't)

2005-08-30T15:57:00.000-07:00

It's been WAAAY too long, but I've been thinking about a few things.

You know, there's some people in this world that don't get enough credit for what they do. It's some that have jobs and some that deserve credit for just being the kind of people they are. I have been thinking lately and decided that I'm going to give them props on this hardly-read blog. But, as I continued to think about the great people in this world, I came to the realization that for every great person there are 5 morons. I mean people that are just rediculous. So, I am going to use this blog of mine to publicly demean all of these idiots. So, I will do two lists in no particular order. Here goes...

Respectable Figures

Police Officers - Sure they can get a little on your nerves when they pull you over and give you a speeding ticket, but really it's for everyone's own good. These guys put their lives on the line everyday to keep the streets of America safe. Not only that, but think of all the other crap they have to put up with or do. They gotta know how to deliver babies. Who honestly wants to yank a human being out of another when that isn't even your job? That's disgusting! Plus, they have to see dead bodies and go to crime scenes. Plus, they have to put up with low pay, disrespect from citizens who get traffic tickets, and all those rediculous doughnut jokes. I think we owe these guys pretty big.
Firemen - You gotta be crazy or have nerves of steel to run into a burning building. Superheroes don't even like doing that. They save lives. 'Nuff said.
Soldiers - Ok, so if there's one thing I hate hearing, it's hippies dissing these people. Dear Hippies, do you realize they are not only protecting your LIFE, but they're also protecting your right to have your idiotic beliefs? So, shut it. Wouldn't you rather have someone there fighting for you instead of you being in front of Middle Eastern extremist morons armed with black market AK-47s? Umm... tough one. So the next time I hear some Bush-bashing, tree-hugging, "Make love not war" screaming musician or idiot piss on our soldiers, I'm gonna scream "God Bless the soldiers and God Bless America, you worthless peice of crap!"
Athletes that DON'T care about the money - I love the guys that play it because they love it. The Brett Favres, the Peyton Mannings, the Ricky Hendersons (playing single A ball after being a superstar in the MLB), the Derek Jeters; these guys keep their respective sports worth watching. I am sooo tired of hearing about contract holdouts and disagreements and fights with teammates. Be happy you get paid what you do to do something that you love. You can tell who loves playing it. You can see their passion in the way they play. They never give up, no matter what. All athletes should aspire to be like these guys.
Teachers - They get people ready for the real world and don't get paid squat. Give them props. Sure, there are some that aren't good, but to the ones that are, I say, "God Bless ya..."
Pizza Delivery Guys - Are these guys not a gift from God? I praise the man who said, "How can I sit here in my recliner, continue to watch TV, and still have someone bring me a delicious, hot pizza?" That guy is a pioneer. I have respect for the pizza delivery guy. They have probably seen some weird things or had pranks pulled on them, but they put a smile on every man's face. Not even the most popular comedian can do that.

People I'm Not a Big Fan Of

The Single Moms on Maury - I am SO sick of hearing these women complain about everything being horrible for them. Yes, I'll admit, being a single mom is probably very hard work, but do NOT put the blame off on someone else for "this happening to you". You hear them all the time on Maury or Springer yelling at 17 different guys (since they don't know which the father is) that it's their (the guys) fault that their life is so horrible and that they're having to raise the kid(s). Ok, well, let's review basic 6th grade science class, shall we? Hmm... let's see... I saw it abou... AH! Here it is... YOU HAVE TO HAVE TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE A CHILD, MORON! If you would quit jumping on the crotch of every single male in the tri-state area maybe (a) you would know who the father was and not show how much of a skank you are on national television, (b) not have your life changed by all of the venereal diseases, and (c) NOT HAVE THE KID IN FIRST PLACE. To all you single moms who do a good job and don't complain about it, more power to ya.
People that take up TWO parking spaces - How hard is it to back up your friggin' car and try one more time to do what rookie driving school students can do? Um, it's not. I can't stand those people. They're as bad as the ones that will steal the parking spot you're about to turn into or the ones that sit in their car in front of the store waiting on their friend to buy their mile-long grocery list.
People that don't put up grocery carts - My goodness... I can't imagine more of a strain on the body than pushing a 2 pound buggy on wheels 30 feet so that I don't (a) kill someone driving through the parking lot or (b) put a huge dent in a car. But, God bless ya for doin' it, 'cause Lord knows the people that work there don't have enough to do as it is.
People who brag about being good at something stupid - Ok, kids that play Halo 2 online religiously, listen up. If your only source of pride in life is that you are good at Halo 2, you need to find a life and hang on to it. These are probably college guys that still giggle everytime a pretty girl says "hi" to them. I can't stand to hear someone say something like, "Yeah, well I could kick your butt on Coagulation. I'll bet you don't even know about the secret sniping spot in the cliff wall." To you people I say, "Yeah, well I can talk to a person without using a $30 headset, you friggin' loser. I'll be sure to say hello to you through the window the next time I go get a Whopper value meal." Give me a break, kid, go collect baseball cards and stop using curse words online that you don't even understand.

I'm sure there's plenty more losers in this world I can't stand, but I'll talk about them on another post.

Bennett...OUT!

Man, Your Job Blows (Literally)...

2005-07-12T14:45:00.000-07:00

If there's one thing in my life that I enjoy doing, it's watching television. I'll watch darn near anything. Sports, sitcoms, dramas, movies, news, and yes, weather. Unfortunately, there is one of those that has over-shadowed all others as of late. Hurricane Dennis.

First, of all, does anyone other than the old folks living in Florida care about this? Ya know what? This isn't the first time a hurricane as threatened knocking over speed limit signs in the Keys. How is this big news? This is like letting every one know that there's gays in San Fransisco. Big freakin' whoop. We've got bombings going on at our next door neighbors' and we're worried that wind will blow Grandpa Smith's flamingos out of his front yard.

It's rediculous the coverage this gets. Don't misinterpret this as insensitivity for the people in Florida. Yeah, it's a shame that people have lost their houses and belongings that they've worked hard for, but this is the 483rd time I've had to hear about it in my lifetime. Here's what blows my mind about the whole hurricane coverage on every news channel known to man. It's been two days since the hurricane's been in Florida, the sun is shining, but there are reporters still down there screaming "Oh, the humanity!" every chance they get.

By the way, how stupid are these people? "Boss, I got a great idea. Let's make Johnson risk his life to go report on wind blowing in south Florida." These people are friggin' idiots. I would like one of those reporters to look me square in the eye and tell me that they have great job security. Hey, moron, you're standing in the middle of a Category 4 hurricane. The people at CNN don't give a flying crap about your job. But they have confidence. They're out there with the mindset that "Hey, you can spell 'hurricane' without 'I can'!"

I mean it's great that you are taking that step that you think will take you to the top of the network. I mean with your reporting talent and your ability to withstand high-speed winds, your going places... right now, it looks like Nebraska. Yes, some people were born leaders and some were born followers. Some people were made watch as others live life on the edge and fly on the winds of ambition, but it sure will be a shame when those winds throw half of a picket fence through your chest. Yes sir-ee, nothing says "We respect you" more than throwing you in the middle of one of the most dangerous natural disasters Mother Nature can brew up.

Sure they act like they're worried about you.

You might hear them say something like this: "Well, Johnson, it sure looks like it's getting nasty out there. You and the crew might want to get to a safe place before it gets worse."

Translation: "Hey, Johnson, you better board up the windows on the weather van and pray to God you don't get your sorry butt thrown into 50 feet of ocean water, you pathetic peace of hurricane-watching trash. Yeah, why don't you give us an update at the top of the hour after that dwindling tin roof scapes half of your face off."

They use words like "tragic", "disturbing", "horrific", and "disasterous" all to describe the events of a 5-foot long neon Ramada sign falling two-stories to its ultimate demise. That right there's a 2-hour story for ya. "Well, John, luckily, no one was injured in the terrible event we have seen here today. Many are trying to recouperate from what they have seen here today. One man spilled the last cup of coffee the continental breakfast had left in the machine due to the loud 'banging noise' he heard 40 feet outside the window he was standing near; it was a very difficult story to listen to, John. They have scheduled a candlelight prayer vigil at 7 pm tonight and are taking donations for the support group they have started. Obviously, the I-20 Ramada will have to replace the $400 sign, but unfortunately, John, they may have to repaint the Handicapped parking lines on which the sign fell. We will continue to update you on this breakthrough throughout the hour. John..."

Rediculous. Take your newly shalacked hair that Dennis itself couldn't even blow over and go do a better story. Leave the news for telling us things like murderers and child molesters that are on the loose. That may be something good to know. I think the news folks in Florida will pretty much have the status of the weather covered to keep their citizens informed.

Bennett... OUT!

Thanks to Pierce for the inspiration...

What's a Caped Crusader Gotta Do?

2005-06-19T00:51:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while, so I decided to start this thing up again. So here goes.

I saw Batman Begins tonight. It was a good movie. I always enjoy seeing how comic book heroes become comic book heroes. It was fairly interesting, had some great fight scenes, and it was pretty funny, too.

Now, before I begin, I'm going to preface this with a few words about the relationship between me and Batman. Me and Bruce go way back. I enjoyed the movies and cartoons as a young lad. I even dressed as him for Halloween. I think Batman is great. That sweet car and all those gadgets make me want to quit college and try to save Huntsville from all of the hooligans and ruffians that violate traffic laws and deface property with rolls of two-ply Charmin. I encourage everyone to see the Batman movies (especially the ones with Michael Keaton).

Now, here goes nothin': this is NOT a superhero movie. I hear people saying "Oh! What a great superhero movie!". My friends this is not one. Now people are going to say to me, "But, Jake, this is a Batman movie...". To those people I say, there in lies your problem. Batman is NOT a superhero.

I knew when I decided to write this that I would step on the toes of either teenage boys who have never talked to a girl in their lives or old retired men that are so bored with life now that they do nothing but collect comics, go to comic book conventions, and re-enact scenes from their favorite issues in a costume that they made in their basement. So, let me tell you why Batman is not a superhero.

Really, there is only one point to this whole argument of Batman's superhero status. To be a SUPERhero, one must have a SUPERpower. Let's review what Batman is. Batman is a middle-aged business man named Bruce Wayne. He inherited a large sum of money from his parents. He knows martial arts, has the Batmobile and tons of cool gadgets, and he wears a mask and cape. So let's go through here and look at what he has. Lots of money is not a superpower, it is a privilage. Martial arts is not a superpower. A fast car and cool gadgets are not superpowers (Sorry, James Bond fans. I love Bond, too, but he ain't no superhero). The ability to wear clothes that conceal your identity......NOT a superpower. If that were the case, we would be fighting a whole slew of superheroes in the middle east right now.

This, my friends, is why Batman is not a superhero; he is a comic book hero. If Batman were a superhero, then all it would take for anyone to be one would be a costume, gadgets, and a pocket full of dreams. Batman is way cool there's no doubt. But I'm tired of him falling into the superhero category. Superman is a superhero. Spiderman is a superhero. Even Mighty Mouse is a superhero. Why, you ask? Because they have superpowers. So, until Batman is no longer called a superhero, I will add Dale Earnhardt Jr. and the Ghostbusters to the list. Earnhardt has a fast car, and the Ghostbusters have costumes and gadgets.

I really do like Batman. I like him because he is realistic. There really could be a Batman. He's a real person, and I think that's why people like him so much. They look at him and say, "I could do that". We need more people like Batman that will step up and say that they aren't going to put up with the crap that they see everyday in this world. So, to you Batman afficionados, we can all be a Batman to some extent, but you are not actually Batman and nor will you ever be until you have that sweet, sweet car.

Bennett... OUT!

Stupid Decisions with Big Wallets

2005-05-28T23:32:00.000-07:00

There are moments in a man's life where he looks at the things he has done and decides that maybe he made a few mistakes along the way. Everyone does it. They realize that something done in the past was not the best idea in the world. People just don't always think things through.

I'm sure the guys that built the Tower of Pisa didn't know it would be leaning, and I sure didn't know that seeing Darkness and The Village would be a waste of $16 as well as 4 hours of my life. But the one mistake I can't stand to see made is a bad investment. I don't mean like a "Martha Stewart" or Enron bad investment. I mean when people make foolish purchases. The most recent bad investment made by a friend would have to go to Baker Luck. People, LeBron's Lightning Lemonade Bubblicious tastes just like it sounds...disgusting. Take your 89 cents and go buy something that you'll really enjoy and get a good laugh from, like a Spice Girls or Chumbawamba CD.

The thing is, I don't just see these kinds of bad purchases being made. Probably the one I cannot stand is getting rims for your car. There is a neverending list of things you could possibly do with the $300-$500 that you will throw away getting rims. Yes, they are stylish and good-looking, but do they improve my gas mileage or make my car run smoother and cleaner? If they made your car fly or something, I could understand. But what's rediculous is seeing these people with rims that cost more than their cars. They can afford airplane propellors that spin on the side of their car when sitting at a red light, but they can't afford to feed and clothe the 3 kids sitting in the back seat going deaf from their $1,000 subs. What a world we live in. That's the kind of thing I can't stand. If the money is better spent elsewhere, don't spend it on things that are stupid to begin with.

Recently, I went to my grandparents house to do some yardwork for them. Now they get these catalogues from a store based out of New York City called Neiman Marcus. For those of you that don't know, Neiman Marcus is a store for rich people. You know, those kind with more money than sense. My grandparents get those just to gaze at all of the interesting things that you can get from there, such as a $75 ballpoint pen. How about, you could take 75 cents and go get about 20 Bic ballpoint pens. But, I digress. The award for biggest waste of money of all-time goes to (drumroll)... spending $2.5 million on a zeppelin. That's right ladies and gents, a zeppelin. For those of you who don't know what a zeppelin is, it is basically a blimp.

Now, folks, there are a lot of things one could do with 2.5 mil, ok? I mean, the list is huge, but I don't think sitting at the top of it is the purchase of a zeppelin. You could donate that money to a children's foundation or the American Red Cross, you know, something important and useful. But, no. While people all over the world are dying of cancer and searching desperately for a cure, you'll feel great when your flying high above the rest of the disease-ridden world in your brand-new giant balloon.

Do we now realize the stupidity of this purchase? You're going to take up an area large enough to build cheap housing for low-income citizens so that you can park you're ginormous honkin' balloon. What are you really going to do with a zeppelin anyways? "Perfect for when you need to escape Munich from the Allied Forces!" C'mon, people. This just seems like something you buy to block your annoying neighbor's beautiful view of downtown. "Hey, Johnson! How do you like my zeppelin, you putz?!"

My friends, I've said all of that to say this: Don't spend money you don't have on junk you don't need. Instead of buying that really cool remote control vacuum cleaner that can brew coffee and wrap presents, give the money to a charity or (ooh! here's a thought) church. The Big Guy that gave you everything would love getting a little back. Another option would be to put it away for something you're really going to need, otherwise you'll regret getting that hot plate that can go in your bathtub. Make good, smart investments, spend money mostly for things you need and a little for stuff you want, and you'll feel a whole lot better about your financial decisions.

Bennett...OUT!